Last week was my one-year anniversary of being “that crazy person who got married in a cave.”

We decided to mark the occasion by being even crazier and driving back to Arizona where we got married. Long story short, it took us about 20 minutes to see our bouquet (still on a ledge in the cave, still looking like it’s a day old!) and another 12 hours to be bored out of our minds. The only excitement we got out of the stay was when the power went out overnight, and my wife woke up screaming, “I’M BLIND!”

Anyway, let me get to the point of this article.

Being the crazy cave people we are, we decided to stop off at the Mitchell Caverns on our way back. It’s out in the middle of nowhere, so you should be better prepared than we were. We had half a Pepsi, a bottle of water, sunflower seeds, a pack of smokes and a gigantic box of Mike and Ikes to hold us over in case of major car issues.

16 miles of unsigned road pretty much means you pick your speed. I chose 88mph, because that’s a number I like. Very symmetrical. It made for some interesting moments when we hit the dips. Anyway, the further out we got, the lonelier we were. We both began to hear banjo music and the line, “You sho got a purty mouf.” playing over and over in our head. Contemplating turning around to save our lives (and buttholes from hicks) we finally come across the entrance to the Providence Mountains State Park. Okay, we’re here, just deal with it.

Anyway, we got our tickets and proceeded to wait an hour until the next tour. I really don’t understand why we didn’t make the 1:30 tour at 2:30 if we were doing 88mph. I need to put the flux capacitor in the shop. AGAIN.

About ten minutes before the tour begins, I decide I have to drop the kids off at the pool, so I headed down to the only bathrooms within an 80 mile radius. I walked in, ready to drop one when… HOLY MOTHER OF SWEET BABY JESUS?! Right above the poop hole on the toilet sits a HUGE MOTHEREFFING MAN EATING SPIDER. Like this:

or this:

It looked dead, therefore safe, so I screamed up to my wife, “Sherri! You gotta come see this!” She comes down and is all like, “What does this one look like, Ted Danson?”

I’m like, “No, this isn’t about my poop. Go look in the corner.” Now, she hates spiders, but was intrigued by this one. I said it was dead, so she blew on it. That’s when it reeled up like the big daddy in Arachnaphobia and says to us, “RAWR!!!!”

We both run like Japanese schoolgirls from a bus rapist, screaming expletives all the way back to the information center.

Anyway, the tour starts with a 1/2 mile walk to the entrance of the caverns. IT SUCKS. But when you turn that last corner, it’s completely worth it. Staring down from the mountain are two gigantic black eyes; the natural entrance to the caverns. In the left eye, you meet up with a very nice, well-groomed State Marshall that gives you the law. You can’t take anything even resembling food or water into the caverns to preserve the formations. All of this has to be left outside the gate.

After a few jokes and an informative speech about the entrance to the caverns, you finally make your way in to a dimly-lit passage and to a set of steel stairs.

This is where your guide parts and leaves you high and dry. Then, suddenly, this chamber opens up on you with some rather nice lighting design. Shit. We should have gotten married here. Then Oliver Stone painted primitive drawings on the walls while shooting The Doors, now nobody can do anything fun there. F**k you, Oliver Stone.

The caverns are considered dry, meaning there isn’t a constant source of water to build formations. But they weren’t always that way. You’ve stepped back 10,000 years into a cave filled with stalagmites, stalactites, cave coral, cave shields, and freaking octopus formations found in no other limestone cavern in the world. It’s like a mini Carlsbad Caverns. Definitely an unexpected jewel that everyone should see at least once.

Near the end of the tour, you enter this corridor that looks a lot like the queue at Indiana Jones. Except better. Here, the guide tells you that you’re standing on only about four feet of rock and/or crushed stalactites from the roof, which make up the ceiling of a massive chamber below. Here, the native indians held ceremonies because the floor F**KING BOOMED when you jumped on it. Now there’s a concrete path, so it doesn’t do that anymore, but still… freaky.

It’s in this same room that he shuts off all the lights and puts you in pitch black. I had this done at another cavern for a full three minutes, and let me tell you, it’s worse than drinking two bottles of Jack. You lose all equilibrium and fall to the floor, you start seeing and hearing things, then your mind turns inside out and decides, “Hey, crazy is a good place to live.”

You pretty much spend two minutes inside the mind of a Santa Monica bum. Or Sherri when the power goes out. This guide does it for less than a minute, but you still get the idea.

After that, you hit the last chamber, get the story of how Oliver Stone is a monumental peanut butter and asshole sandwich, and nearly destroyed the cave for a single scene in the lamest movie ever (The Doors). Then your ass gets kicked out into blazing daylight to make the 1/2 mile hike back to your car.

One thing I didn’t mention about the hike to the caverns is the best part. Along the way, there are large rocks you can step on. When you do this, the entire ant cast of Indiana Jones and the Refrigerator Travesty comes looking to chew your ankles to the bone, leaving the rest of your stumpy ass to crawl your way to the information center before being eaten by mountain lions.

The tour costs $5 for adults. Tours run: Weekdays at 1:30pm, Weekends and Holidays: 11:30am, 1:30pm, 3:30pm.
That’s it. Each tour is limited to 25 people, but you can make reservations.

From Southern California, take Interstate 15 North to Interstate 40 East. Drive a hell of a long way until you get to Essex Rd. Turn left onto Essex Rd. and drive approximately 16 miles to the entrance of the Providence Mountains State Park. Parking is limited, but there is a decent-sized campground a stones throw away from the visitor’s center.

We’ve been planning this trip for a long time. And for a lot of us, this trip is not really “all about the coasters.” I mean, coasters and parks are great, but for me, the best park about a new city and a new culture is walking around, exploring, and trying the food. After arriving in Hong Kong yesterday afternoon at like 2 PM, I rested, drank some water and shook off my post-flying-headache (I don’t know if any of you get those pounding headaches after a flight, but I do and it takes a couple hours to shake it). I cranked a couple Aleve, and I was on my way.

We’re staying in a Holiday Inn Express in the Causeway Bay district of Hong Kong, which is about three districts away from Central, the meat of downtown on the northside of Hong Kong Island. Directly across the street from our hotel is Times Square, which is like a vertical shopping mall, 40 or so stories tall. We have some small markets near us, and some good little restuarants and clothes shops. In general, we have a pretty good location.

Ever since I’ve landed, I’ve spent the bulk of my time just walking around the city exploring. I’m a firm believer that the best way to experience any new city is to just walk around, eat the food, and people watch. It’s also the best way to find the best bars. Ian and I spotted blablabra yesterday, just north of SOGO.

Across Canal Road East from our hotel is an awesome little street market and one of Hong Kong’s Cooked Food Centers, more or less a giant food court of little restaurants that share a giant common dining area. Once you sit down at one of the tables, you order your food and pick a beer. The beer is sold/brought to you by a girl who works for the beer company you decided to drink, and she more or less is like a second waitress for your beer exclusively. No matter what company it is, however, all the beer girls wear a uniform that is their own variation of yellow and white leather jacket/skirt combos. It’s pretty hilarious. In the market, there are a lot of butchers, seafood vendors and vegetable/fruit vendors. The seafood here is amazing. Abalone, Geoducks, Mantis prawn, all sorts of fish, live and dead, prawns jumping out of bins, lobsters and crabs crawling around, razor clams, normal clams, conch, sea snails, just everything, multiple kinds and speces and animals I’ve never even seen before let alone dreamt of eating. Most of it still alive, and all of it bright, vibrant, and insanely crazy looking. There’s pretty much nothing else to say about it except “wow.”

My first day here I walked around and stumbled on Jardine’s Bazaar, a small market/restaurant street over by Victoria Park. As I walked down the street I found a pretty kickass little noodle joint that looked legit. I went inside, ordered some hand-made eggnoodles with beef brisket and shrimp wonton, and pretty much had a kick ass meal. I should also mention that this cost me about HK$40, or about $5.50.  On my way out, I read their bulletin board, which pointed out that they had been well reviewed all over the world (the reviews are under the glass on the tables too): Sunday New York Times, Fodor’s, Anthony Bourdain in A Cook’s Tour, etc. The place is called Mak’s Stingy Noodle, and it’s awesome. It’s also in wikipedia, no joke: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mak%27s_Noodle

This would not be the last kick-ass meal in Hong Kong.

The next morning Ian showed up at the hotel from his flight in from Kuala Lumpur. Yes, he did ride Supersonic Odyssey and he said it kicked ass. You’ll see pictures from there too.

I spotted this graf on my first walk around, and it sheds some light on the one main negative I have so far about this city. Hong Kong is awesome, it has a heartbeat and a pace and a feeling that’s in general pretty awesome. But with that there is a sort of super-materialistic sense that comes from all the damn money flowing through this city. You’ll notice that the skeleton in the graffiti above has a dollar sign on his skull and on his crotch. It doesn’t seem to be far from the truth, if you catch my drift. Everyone here is all about the Gucci handbags and the designer everything, even though at the same time there’s thousands of little clothing shops that are cool and funky and either non-designer or local designers trying to make their name, so with the whole big money designer thing, it’s also cool that a lot of little indie designers are carving out their corners. It’s very much all about Get Money, Get Ahead, Get A Mercedes. It’s really amazing how many people here are dressed so well, how many watch stores selling thousand dollar watches are full, how many designer stores there are in every department store all over the city. There is a lot of money here, and that makes a lot of the culture very money oriented and expensive. Not shocking considering the skyline. It looks like money grows on trees here, if not skyscrapers.

That photo was taken during the Symphony of Lights laser/light show that all the big buildings in Hong Kong take part in, and you watch it from across the harbour on the Avenue of Stars. It’s cool, but nothing to write home about. Ian got some sweet shots of it, and we’ll put those up later.

Before the laser show last night, Ian and I went on a pilgrimage out to Tai Po, a suburb of Hong Kong out in the New Territories. I have to admit some nerdiness here… I went solely because I saw this BBQ place on Anthony Bourdain No Reservations. I tracked this place down, and it was awesome. Not just the food, but actually seeing a market out in a suburb that isn’t all flash and big department stores.

Yat Lok BBQ Restuarant is in the Tai Po Market, near the Tai Po Cooked Foods Building, another one of the big restaurant malls.

This was pretty much amazing. The goose was definitely better than the pig, and by better, I mean one of the best things I’ve ever put in my mouth. Like seriously. The one catch was that nobody spoke English, there was no English menu, and we were pretty stumped until the owner showed up. He speaks English, and he hooked it up big time with some goose leg and suckling pig. Holy eff dude. This stuff was ridiculous. It was so, so, so good, and if we have more meals as good as this and Mak’s Stingy Noodle, then this is going to be the best trip ever (I’m foreseeing the answer to this proposition as yes.

After finishing up at Yat Lok and getting some photos, we headed back into the city. Opted agains going to the horse races because apparently Ian has bad luck and a gambling problem or something. Sissy. We went back to Avenue of Stars, where the Tsimshatsui ferry let us off and took some photos and waited for the laser light show. I’ll post more pictures of that later today along with some photos from today. But it was pretty awesome, and people are not kidding when they say that the Hong Kong city skyline seen from Kowloon is one of the most amazing sights you’ll ever see. It’s crazy impressive. But I should point out that AIG has a big pretty building that’s all decofated for the light show. I call shens, my bailout tax dollars shouldn’t be paying for a stupid light show (actually, it looks pretty cool, so whatever). Here’s some more pictures from the day, and more will come later. But the basic run down here is that Hong Kong is a lot more awesome than I expected, and I had some pretty high expectations. Alright, time to head out and check this awesome city out more.

ALL-NEW “HALLOWEEN HAUNT” CASTS ITS SPELL UPON
CALIFORNIA’S GREAT AMERICA THIS OCTOBER
New event will have Northern California dying to get in with
‘13’ bone-chilling Halloween experiences beginning Oct. 3!

SANTA CLARA, Calif. –  Lightning strikes the majestic Carousel Columbia! A low lying fog begins to roll across the midways. The innocent sounds of laughter and joy turn into screams of bone-chilling terror. Hundreds of monsters roam freely searching for new blood. Consider yourself warned…there is no escaping the wrath of the all-new Halloween Haunt at California’s Great America throughout the month of October!

Every Friday, Saturday and Sunday night from 7 p.m. until midnight, Oct. 3 through Nov. 1, Halloween Haunt will beckon brave souls to take on their worst nightmares. Complete with five spine-tingling haunted mazes, four themed scare zones, one themed attraction, three head-turning live stage shows, plus the park’s collection of world-class thrill rides, Halloween Haunt promises to be Northern California’s biggest and scariest Halloween event.

“We’re excited to unleash our all-new Halloween Haunt, an event that’s so in-your-face and terrifying, it will be unlike anything Northern California has ever experienced,” said Bill Lentz, vice-president and general manager of California’s Great America. “With ‘13’ of the most terrifying experiences around, Halloween Haunt is guaranteed to make even the bravest of guests scream in sheer terror!”

Headlining Halloween Haunt are five gruesome mazes, each of which will feature a different theme. Guests can take on their worst childhood nightmares with demonic clowns and other freaks of nature at CarnEvil, dance the night and their life away at Club Blood, tour a Slaughterhouse where humans have become “dead meat,” venture through Werewolf Canyon where hunters have become the hunted and avoid a cult of evil scarecrows that lie in wait in a path of overgrown debris at CornSTALKERS. In addition, Logger’s Run, the park’s classic flume attraction will transform into Camp GonnaGetcha, a summer camp that takes on a dark, twisted side once night falls!

Click here to download your coupon for the event! (Free registration required)

The world is a wonderful place… so says the song, but what makes the world wonderful?  Midgets.  I guess we can include dwarves in this list too.  But either way “little people” of all sorts, whether they be from the Midgitus Ohgodhewalksfunnyus family or the Dwarveitus Hahahahalookathisbigheadus families (that’s latin, by the way) are magical beings, created by God for our amusement.  Don’t believe me… read on! Read More

So if you’re reading this… it means the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland hasn’t blown us to all unholy hell by forming a black hole that swallows the Earth.  However, I have to admit, the prospect of that happening is almost kinda exciting.  Just one of those morbid curiosities… what would it be like to be sucked into oblivion?  Alas, that’s a quandry I’d much rather leave up to Scarlett Johansson, Hayden Panettiere or Bar Rafaeli than have a Black Hole kill me.  That said… let’s look at interesting things!

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