Back to the Future – Part IV
Archive - Andrew's JunkAuthor: Andrew Traweek
Okay, everyone. I have a major announcement. I have successfully created the world’s first time machine! After watching Back to the Future for the 5 millionth time, I finally got it! The secret was in the Flux Capacitor! So, I broke out my Tinker Toys, and built me one, slapped it on a garbage can, and traveled to the future. This is that story.
My first stop in the timeline was the year 2011.
In the year 2010, James Disney sold the rights to Westcoaster to a group of multi-national Avon saleswomen for an insane amount of money. He bought a small island nation, stocked it with many beautiful naked women, and lived his golden years basking in the sun on a secluded sandy beach.
Shortly before that, Westcoaster became an international villain when the launch code (OWNZ U) for our inter-continental ballistic missile system was accidentally entered into an AIM chat room. America Coasters Network was, unfortunately, completely destroyed. We’ll miss you, Jeff. Jim was said to have shrugged it off, and had a martini in their honor.
After hearing the horrors that had taken place in this very decade, I was apprehensive to travel any further into the future. But, what can I say; I’m a curious little monkey!
My next stop was the year 2021.
Andrew Traweek (that’s me!) can now be found living in a trailer that smells funny. He has 14 kids, a couple of wives, and a fine assortment of ‘wife beater’ tank tops. I was horrified to learn that I had previously killed my fifteenth child, over a rather silly argument. Here’s how it went:
SON: “Great Grandson of Beast is the greatest Woodie in the world!”
ANDREW: “You little dweeb! Ghostrider OWNZ YOU!”
I then proceeded to slap him to death with Norm, a rubber hand duct taped to a stick, that I had stolen from Dan ten years earlier.
ANDREW: “I was Elvis! I was Elvis! Oh, how the mighty have fallen!”
“Clooney sleeps wit da fishes”
Dan Angona was now a very powerful Mafia Don in Van Nuys, California. He has become infamous for various assassination attempts on George Clooney. But he is most known for being married to former teen-movie starlet, Rachael Leigh Cook. But she’s fat now, so it isn’t as cool as it sounds.
Mike Mallon, was lost in 2013 to a freak rodeo clown incident. In accordance with his wishes, his ashes were to be spread over Goliath. But a typo caused his ashes to accidentally be spread over Flashback. It was a sad loss for all of us.
Rocky Camin is now a world-class roller coaster designer, and owns his own design firm called TOGO BLOWS Inc. He was mauled in a roller coaster testing incident where a test dummy came loose from it’s restraint, and conked him in the head while he was having a piping hot Double Latte. He now wears a Mexican Wrestling Federation mask to hide the scars.
Chris Higgins is now the owner/CEO of Pizza Hut Intl.
Staff writer Nash went missing in 2005 while researching a new Glove Box article on Area 51. Rumors state that he was abducted by aliens, had his gene structure recompiled, and now lives in Southern California as Erik Estrada. But no one knows for sure.
Bob Barber. Well, in 2003, Jim and Andrew triple dog dared Bob to marathon it’s a small world. He now spends his days staring out the window of his new cell at Shady Acres Mental Asylum, singing…
BOB: “…it’s a small world after all… it’s a small world after all… demon children will eat me…”
Future Andrew now realizes that he created a time machine when he was 22-years old, and that his past self should be showing up soon. After watching Back to the Future Part II for the 20 billionth time, he hatches a diabolical plan to give young Andrew a sports almanac that has the results for every major sporting event since 2002. I showed up, and this little fat, bald man on a hover platform hands me the Almanac, telling me to bet on all the major sporting events using the book.
Jim is still on his island, but now decides that he needs a logo for his island retreat. He calls old me and says, “Make me a logo, beeyatch.”
I reluctantly agree, hop on my old PII 333 computer, and design him a nice logo. Jim pays me with a monkey.
Disney’s California Adventure is still waiting for the spinning drop on Grizzly to work.
Disneyland, because of a hostile corporate buyout by Westcoaster in 2008, is reaching record attendance levels as ‘The Porniest Place on Earth.”
The DEL-HOLLAND models of Humanoid General Manager (Mark I) are finally replaced with T-1138 models, but fatal errors still occur when the A.I. tries to compute the existence of flat rides.
Oh yeah, the Olsen Twins are now the Presidents of the United States. John Stamos, out of work and a recent divorce from his wife, is crashing on the couch in the Oval Office.
I have now seen enough of the horrible future that awaits us if we do not change our ways. I don my WWI fighter pilot hat, slide back into my garbage can time machine, and reset my spatial coordinates to the year 2002.
I returned this morning. I immediately called my bookie, and bet on the long-shot to win the Gold Medal in Ladies Figure Skating in Salt Lake City. I now have $14-million. Wow, this messing with the fabric of time stuff is cool.
So, heed my words, people. The future is no Tomorrowland. It’s dark, dreary, and full of incest. Well, not incest, but I thought I’d add that in for color.
- Jeff – Invest in a ‘Star Wars’ program to defend ACN in the event of all-out nuclear holocaust.
- Mike – For God’s sake! Don’t become a Rodeo Clown!
- Rocky – Don’t drink Latte’s!
- Andrew – Um, just keep doing what you’re doing. You’re gonna be RICH! $$$$$$$$$
- Chris – Give me free pizzas.
- Bob – Never, ever, EVER listen to Jim and me.
- Olsen Twins – Lose that John Stamos idiot.
- Nash – Well, being Erik Estrada isn’t so bad, is it?
———————–>
To Be Continued…
(this is a low-budget representation of the ‘To Be Continued’ logo at the end of Back to the Future.)