Autobiography of DOOM! – Chapters 4 & 5
Archive - Andrew's JunkAuthor: Andrew Traweek
Chapter 4: Same Thing, Different Setting
High School. Some of the greatest years of my life. Here I perfected the art of slacking, hitting on women, and circumventing almost certain expulsion. Among my many expulsion papers were such classics as: Willful Destruction of School Property, Violation of the Daylight Rule (no foreplay at school, evidently), Distribution of Inappropriate Material, Smoking, Drinking, etc. I’m sure if they knew about it, they’d also give me a lashing for contributing to the CAD teacher’s heart failure.
Willful Destruction: I threw a piece of gum on the ceiling. Big deal. I also used to play Bingo with the Periodic Chart much in the same fashion during Science class. The teacher couldn’t prove he had a clear line-of-sight on me, so I got out of that one with Saturday School, which I never attended.
Inappropriate Material: Yeah, so I helped put hardcore porn on all the computers in the CAD class. Which partly contributed to the teacher’s heart failure. I also wrote a short story during my Junior year that was laced with extreme stereotyping, racial overtones, and tons of cussing. Surprisingly, I won second place in the school writing competition with it. One judge even commented on how she loved the “satirical look at racism and stereotyping in modern society.” Which, for the most part, was true. I just didn’t realize it. But the insanely PC administration has a conniption fit… I got out of that expulsion by screaming for my First Amendment rights. They fell for it too.
Assault on a Teacher: One of the faucets in Science was broken, allowing a full range of motion in any direction. It became my own personal squirt gun. The teacher left the classroom for about ten minutes, while I promptly took advantage of the situation. I began hosing everyone down. I was aiming for the chicks in the white shirts, and everyone else was collateral damage. Well, as I was hosing away, the teacher opens the door and gets a face full of water. I ran out the back door… Assault… with a faucet? I think they over-reacted a bit. I cut to the chase with the Dean of Discipline, and admitted that I just wanted to see the hot chicks in wet shirts. From what I hear, he commented “bright kid.” To one of the security guards as I left the office.
Chapter 5: Idiot Gear Kicks in Again
I had just gotten out of a seemingly perfect relationship. I loved this girl so truly, so deeply, that it actually hurt. It hurt even more when she left me for one of my arch-enemies… not that I’m bitter or anything. ☺
I spent the better part of a year feeling sorry for myself. That’s when Summer came into the picture. She had a heart of gold, and tried to make me feel better by flirting with me. And she looked a lot like Kirsten Dunst… [drools]. I knew she wanted a relationship. No girl changes her whole class schedule so she can take A/V class with you. But again, I was so busy feeling sorry for myself, that I was blind to what I had right in front of me. It’s only now that I realize what a mindless idiot I was. I’ve come to realize that I did like her back, and that I could have had something special with her if I just could have gotten over my own self-pity… but she’s gone. I ran into her at a party a year ago, but someone (rhymes with rock)-blocked me, and I didn’t get a chance to give her my number. Dammit all to hell…
So here I sit, remembering my past. Will I ever be able to go back to being that demented little poop-machine? Will I ever go back to that age of innocence? Wait, I was never innocent. Okay, forget the melodramatic fluffy crap. I want to ride Big Wheels again. I want to sit down in front of the TV with my Strawberry Quik and watch He-Man in my PJ’s. I want to go back to getting other people to poop themselves, then proceed to laugh at them when they actually do it. I want my Huffy.
But I guess that’s just the pessimist in me. I could look at it this way; I’m old enough to smoke, drink, and look at porn. Somehow, the Big Wheel is more enticing right now…
- Pushing Doody