Nov 27

The Confluence of Christianity and Santa Claus

Archive - Andrew's JunkAuthor: Andrew Traweek

Christmas in Retrospect – One in a Series of Whatever

Over the past year, I’ve realized that I’ve shirked my intellectual responsibilities in being an internet writer. You’re probably saying to yourself, “No, Andrew! We love you! You’re the funniest guy on the face of the planet! We want your hot bod!”

No. You’re wrong. I have been neglecting the very youth that have made our site what it is: a smoldering cesspool of a site that has little-to-no educational value. Or punctuation for that matter.

So I’ve decided to chase after my life-long dream of becoming an educational figure on this pile of mind-sucking donkey mung we call the “World Wide Web.”

Wait, we used to call it that. Back in the day. Waaaaay back in the day. Man, 1994. Jeez. Whoa. Wow. Holy shi…

[Snaps out of hypnotic trance]

Bah. Screw introductions. I’ve never been all too great at them, but I feel I have to warm my audience up… all two of you. But you two are in for a real treat this year, because Professor Andrew is going to take you on a journey through time, and bring you an exciting exploration of the quintessential American tradition, Christmas! Whoopee! Hoorah! Jihad!

It all starts in a galaxy far, far away. Oh, and a long time ago…

The Confluence of Christianity and Santa Claus

One day, Jesus was strolling through the neighborhood with his brother, a talking monkey named Abe. Abe was a curious little monkey, who had a penchant for getting himself into tight places in a wonderfully delightful, yet wacky way. This day was no different.

Jesus was to go to the local mall in Jerusalem to find his father (God) a new sweater for Christmas. Yeah, it’s a little weird to have Jesus buy you a present on his birthday. So what?

Anyway, Abe begged and pleaded for Jesus to take him along. This was Abe’s first time out since his last caper, which left the world flooded for forty days, and forty nights. Man, Noah never let Jesus live that one down!

Jesus reluctantly agreed to take Abe along under two conditions: he stays no more than two feet away from him, and not get himself into any more trouble. Abe excitedly agrees!

So here’s Jesus, walking down the street with Abe. Most people in Jerusalem had never seen such a thing… no, not the talking monkey. They’d never seen Jesus in a big yellow hat! Oh, that Jesus always was making a fashion statement! Both arrive at the trendy and expensive “Le Shops at Jerusalem” shopping complex.

Now, Abe was the curious little scallywag, and couldn’t resist a quick run up and down the elevators. Oh Abe, you little ragamuffin! Once Jesus was particularly entranced by a window display at Oi Vay’s, Abe made his getaway.

Up and down, up and down, UP AND DOWN! The elevator had an over-excitable monkey at the helm, and no one was safe. But the elevator grew tiring to little Abe, and he decided to go back to Jesus and ask him for a few bucks to play in the arcade. But Abe (in all his forgetfulness) stopped the elevator on the wrong floor! Oh no!

By now, Jesus had noticed that Abe was missing. He searched high and low, hither and thither, inside and out for the cheeky little monkey. But Abe was nowhere to be found! His last chance was to check in at the mall security desk, no small feat in it’s time.

Abe had made his way around the mall when he found an irresistible line of small children near the food court. “FOOD!” Abe exclaimed, “That’s what this line must be for!”

Christmas in Retrospect – One in a Series of Whatever

Meanwhile, Jesus was arguing with the inept mall security guards over a simple missing persons report. Growing increasingly irritated by the lackluster effort on the part of the two loungeabouts, Jesus went back out on his own. “Jesus, who the hell does that guy think he is, the son of God?” one security guard chuckled to the other as Jesus walked away.

Abe had been waiting in line for over twenty minutes. His stomach was growling something fierce. Just as he was about to give up all hope and hit the McHommed’s, the line opened up, and Abe found himself staring at the strangest sight he had ever seen; a munchkin, not much larger than he was. The pointed ears, layers of black mascara, and rosy red cheeks were absolutely enthralling to Abe. What is this creature? Where is he from? Why is he wearing those shoes with that blouse?

“I demand to know your nationality, strange creature!” Abe exclaimed. “Take me to your leader, vile being!”

The tiny elf agreed to meet Abe’s wishes, and took him to the most beautiful landscape little Abe had ever seen. Cloaked in white, with beautiful trees, candy canes, and toys, this had to be heaven. “Have I died?” Abe inquisitively inquires.

“No, silly. You’re at the North Pole! Wanna meet St. Nick?”

“Saint Nick? Never heard of him. I’ve met almost all the Saints, and I don’t remember a Nick. I must investigate further.” Abe thought to himself. “Yes, I wish to see Saint Nick.”

So the elf took Abe up to Saint Nick, where Abe learned the custom of asking really old, fat people for presents. Abe was so lost in his lust for goodies, that he didn’t notice Jesus (in the big yellow hat) walking up behind him.

“ABE!” Jesus boomed angrily. “I told you not to go running off and cause any more trouble!”

“But Jesus, I… I… I haven’t caused any trouble!” Abe sheepishly argued.

Saint Nick chimes in, “Yeah, Jesus. Be cool. Abe wasn’t being any trouble! He’s been most intrigued by our customs here at the North Pole.”

“North Pole?! You’re in the middle of the mall, you wacko! Come on Abe, we’re leaving!” Jesus said as he angrily yanked Abe from Santa’s lap. “You’re gonna get it when we get home, you little rascal!”

Just then, Saint Nick called security, and they arrested Jesus for crimes against atheism, and crucified him. Abe had been Judas to Jesus’… well, Judas.

The stage had been set. The characters cast. The script however, was still really rough around the edges, so they sent it to famed writer Michael Crichton for a rewrite. Forever more, Christmas would be an epic battle between Christianity and Presentanity.