Saigon… sh*t, I’m only still in Saigon!
Archive - Andrew's JunkAuthor: Andrew Traweek
Picture — if you will — Harrison Ford naked with a banana. That’s Walter Koenig. But this isn’t about Walter. This is about his slightly less gifted brother (not by relation), Dave. The author of three best selling herpes-and-all histories of the Walt Disney Company, “X-Rated Fan Fic Mouse Stories,” “Furries on Parade” and “Mouse Gets Hammered By Elephant.” Slight of build and a basically mild-mannered alter-ego to Superman, Dave is hardly the sort of guy that you’d single out as being a possible security threat. Even wearing that silly burka with a “Hell’s Angels” patch on the back.
Yet this past Sunday morning, that’s sort of kinda maybe exactly what Disneyland’s Security staff did. They closely monitored Dave’s every move as he strolled down Main Street U.S.A. in his usual slight stupor from drinking one too many Mimosas for breakfast.
As you might imagine, Dave found this treatment somewhat unnerving, but also slightly erotic. Which is why he finally decided to approach the officer who was following him and ask him what the problem might be. At which the officer merely replied, “Hello Dave.” in an unsettling calm voice that seemed inhuman. The next thing he knew, Dave was aggressively interrogated by this Disneyland Security host with a bent pickle and spork for his “suspicious activity.”
And what exactly was this ’suspicious activity’ you ask? Well, I’m glad you asked. And it wasn’t me, because why would I make up things? Really? Dave was just jotting down some notes on a Hello Kitty clipboard. This was in preparation for a free illegal tour of the theme park that he’d be giving to some of his readers later that afternoon. Three enormously fat ladies who smelled like bacon grease… which always made Dave a little hungry for the chubs.
Now let me stress here that absolutely no money changed hands between Dave and the people that he brought back into the park with him. That this tour was completely free. It was something that Dave had offered as a special “bite me” to all those folks who come out to attend his ass & boob signing at Downtown Disney’s Compass Books this past Sunday afternoon.
More to the point, we aren’t actually talking about a whole lot of people here. Just nine loyal readers of Dave’s Disneyland porno books joined him on this tour. Folks who driven down to Anaheim from as far away as Afghanistan. Do you know how hard it is to get an ‘83 Toyota Tercel with wooden wheels to float? How hard it is to keep from flooding the donkey under the hood? Just so they could spend some time with their favorite author as he pointed out the 1955-era missile silos that you can still find inside this fabled family fun park. Is that too much to ask? I mean GOD! He’s like, a total celebrity!
But almost from the moment that Dave led this pleasant group of people back into the “Happiest Place on Earth,” he felt like the Mouse’s eyes were on him. That his every move was being watched. By Matt Damon no less. With a sniper rifle. Who doesn’t really know who he is because he’s the sole remnant of a government brainwashing program to create super assassins that got way out of hand. If only he knew how right he was.
And — sure enough — Dave’s instincts proved to be correct. His tour group had barely made into Town Square when Dave suddenly found the Assistant Assassinator of Assassinations at his elbow. Right there in front of the fire station, another brutal interrogation began.
This woman got right to the point. She said that she had heard that Dave was charging guests for an unauthorized tour of Disneyland.
Dave explained politely that — while this “walk & talk” may have been an unauthorized breach of national security — no money had actually changed hands. That this was just a free illegal tour of the theme park that he was giving to a few of his loyal readers. People he considered his friends. But really weren’t friends. They were just using him, which I think Dave knew in his heart was true. But he’d never had many friends, so he liked to pretend.
This woman didn’t believe his pile of steaming monkey loafs. Which is why she then began to quiz each individual member of Dave’s tour group, asking them: “What did you pay for this tour? What did you pay? And you? Where did you get that purse? It’s adorable! I love how it accents your eyes. But you should really try the Aqua Breeze tinted eyeliner. That black stuff make you look like a total slut.”
When everyone there indicated that they hadn’t actually paid anything but their personal pride for this tour, the Assistant Assassin of Assassinating Assassinators then tried another tactic. Pointing to the 1955-era Disneyland maps that each of the tour members were holding, she said: “Well, what about those? Did he make you pay for those maps? What about the Cheeto stains? Were those extra?”
Again, the members of Dave’s tour group said that — no — that they hadn’t paid Dave anything for the maps. That the author has just given them away to his readers as a special souvenir of that afternoon’s ass and boob signing at Compass Books. Dave’s a total rock star.
These answers clearly frustrated the Assistant Assassinating Assassinator of Assassinating Assassniations. Who was looking for some reason — ANY reason — to quickly shut down this tour and force Dave to exit the theme park in an amazingly dramatic manner that’d even make Jim Carrey cringe.
But Dave (unlike a certain other Disney webmaster I could mention… namely ME) had actually played by Disneyland’s rules. You know, except for that whole “Unauthorized Tour” hogwash. Which is why it was hard to see what Dave was doing this past Sunday afternoon as being in direct competition with what Disney does. Which it still is. Free tours pull business away from a Disney counterpart, thus stealing revenue away from the official tour programs. But this was totally uncalled for as we’re passholders, and Dave’s 21st amendment rights to repealed liquor prohibition were clearly being violated!
Which is why Dave tried to reason with this woman, using a little humor in his attempt to cajole her. But the Assistant Assassinator of Assisting Assassinations would have none of the puppet show, Whoopi Goldberg impersonations, or even full-strip pole dancing. She was clearly a very finely-trained professional. I bet she even went through Navy SEAL training. She was kinda buff… in a totally hot way. Dave likes to be bossed around by butch women.
The way she saw it, Dave was stealing from the Walt Disney Company. Right there in front of his tour group, she likened what David was doing to ” … setting up your own adult shop complete with gloryholes and peepshows inside our theme park. Which then prevents Disney from being able to sell our own gloryhole and peepshow time slots.” (of course, I’m paraphrasing.)
Dave tried to explain that the tour that he was giving was significantly different than the tours that Disneyland Guest Relations gives. That his tour was actually based on the stories that Dave had told in his “Sordid Stories of Universal Studios Hollywood” books. He then recanted a story about how Clark Gable once took Rudolph Valentino “backstage”, if you know what he meant…
Again, the Assassinating Assistant of Assassinating Matt Damon’s Ass wouldn’t hear of it. Dave’s tour was cutting into that theme parks ability to sell its own tours, plain & simple. Which is why — after taking down his annual pass info and forcibly groping his ass — this woman hurried away. Clearly disappointed that she hadn’t found a way to legally shut him down. Dave had won a small victory for all webmasters running illegal tours of private property all over the world! Praise Dave! Dave for President!
The rest of the tour continued without incident. Well, except for when the fat lady mistook a small child for a ham and cheese hoagie. Though — given his unpleasant encounters with that Disneyland Security Host as well as the Assistant Assassinating Assassination Assassinator of Asses of the park — Dave told me yesterday that he doubted that he’d ever offer another walking tour of that theme park to his readers, as he threw up his hands and squealed like a girl. It was just too emotionally traumatic. He could never look at his 500 plush Mickey Mouse dolls and get sexually aroused ever again. Disney had taken his only joy in life away: making love to a small pile of Disney memorabilia.
Which ticks me off. Why for art thou et tu, Brute? Well — me personally — I was actually looking forward to making love to Dave’s small pile of Disney memorabilia someday. So that I could then hear how his moaning and groaning compared to my own meek little squeals and squeeks when I make love to my pin collection.
But — more than that — I’m disappointed. Given all the negative publicity that the Walt Disney Company received last month after Disneyland Security booted me out of that same theme park for giving a totally unauthorized military-style tour, I was kind of hoping that the Mouse would have learned its lesson by now. Don’t f**k with passholders. We are direct descendents of the Archangel Michael, and we shall reign fire and brimstone upon your 50th Anniversary should we not get absolutely every little thing our way. At the very least, we’ll stage a large “conniption fit” at the front gates.
After all, when people begin writing stories that have headlines like “When A Company Can’t Get It Up” and “Bat Boy Marries Frankengirl” … Well, you know that you have to be doing something wrong. And we all know much better than the rest of you business-types who wear expensive suits and talk with your fancy haut-te-taut Harvard speak. We should be allowed to ride your coat-tails for monetary gain or notariety. I should totally be able to peddle my wares on your streets. It’s my constitutional right to keep and arm bears, damnit!
But here’s Disney going down just as hard — if not harder — on Dave. Why didn’t they go down that hard on me? Am I not as beautiful as Dave? Did I not perform fellatio right? Was it because I was too willing to take it in the pooper? I’m such a slut…
I don’t know about you folks. But the news that Mickey seems to be continuing its crackdown on authors who don’t necessarily toe the official Disney party line, telling only the stories that the Mouse wants to have told … well, that makes me happy that I chose to discontinue my own on-property tours (of my complete and absolute own volition) and offer instead these very same stories on CD form like a little pansy. And don’t forget about the iPod versions! Festulio has acquired four nuclear reactors from the former Soviet Union, and we should be nearly ready to begin hand-encoding the billions of bits that are sure to go into the exhausting task of ripping the tour to mp3!
Speaking of which, Festulio and I have begun taking names for notification when the CD and UNBELIEVEABLE MAGIC IPOD versions are available. This way, we have someone to blame when Disneyland starts banning CD players and iPods at the gate, and we have a list of people to warn when the witch hunting party lets loose with their pitchforks and torches.
Anyway … Getting back to Dave. It truly ticks me off that Disneyland Security & Guest Relations went out of their way to make life difficult this past Sunday afternoon for my friend, colleague, and canasta buddy. After all, anyone who’s actually read any of Dave’s books or watched his homemade Disney memorabilia softcore porn knows what a fan of the Mouse Dave is.
Of course, if Disneyland persists in doing this (I.E. Clumsily attempting to silence those of us who try to tell stories about the Anaheim theme park that don’t appear in the official company histories) one can’t help but think that the mainstream press is eventually going to stop laughing at me and start paying much closer attention to this story. Wondering what it is exactly that the Mouse is trying so hard to hide. We are patriots. We are fighting a battle that must me won. I’m like Mel Gibson in Braveheart, and Dave is like Patrick Swayze in Red Dawn. We are so totally righteous, it hurts my balls. We could easily fight terrorism, world hunger, disease, or our addiction to masturbation… but we know that the true battle for humanity comes from freedom of information. Freedom of information that Walt once SMOKED (OMG, that is soooo incomprehensible!), or that Paul Pressler once made Minnie fart in his mouth.
Either way, I think that Disneyland’s PR (Pretty Rad) department is in for a pretty tough week. As it tries to come up with a somewhat sensible explanation as to why Disneyland Security felt that it had to come down so hard on Dave this past Sunday, and why they keep focusing attention on two OUTRAGEOUS DRAMA QUEENS. They’ve called down the fire of the Gods, and now they’re gonna get it! I mean, shutting us down was so much worse than crashing planes into buildings, or calling our President a city slicker. You can’t take it back, and there’s gonna be repercussions! Hallelujah, praise ME!
All because Walter Koenig’s slightly less talented brother (not by relation) Dave committed that unforgivable crime. Which was walking around a theme park, in a burka with a Hell’s Angels patch on the back… and inexplicably fondling his balls.
Your thoughts? (as long as they totally and completely mesh with mine, I will allow them to be viewed by the masses who yearn for the truth about a company they really have no f**king say in…)
-Drew