Mitchell Caverns, CA
Archive - Andrew's Junk, Archive - Comedy RoadtripAuthor: Andrew Traweek
Last week was my one-year anniversary of being “that crazy person who got married in a cave.”
We decided to mark the occasion by being even crazier and driving back to Arizona where we got married. Long story short, it took us about 20 minutes to see our bouquet (still on a ledge in the cave, still looking like it’s a day old!) and another 12 hours to be bored out of our minds. The only excitement we got out of the stay was when the power went out overnight, and my wife woke up screaming, “I’M BLIND!”
Sherri's World
Anyway, let me get to the point of this article.
Being the crazy cave people we are, we decided to stop off at the Mitchell Caverns on our way back. It’s out in the middle of nowhere, so you should be better prepared than we were. We had half a Pepsi, a bottle of water, sunflower seeds, a pack of smokes and a gigantic box of Mike and Ikes to hold us over in case of major car issues.
Survival Kit
16 miles of unsigned road pretty much means you pick your speed. I chose 88mph, because that’s a number I like. Very symmetrical. It made for some interesting moments when we hit the dips. Anyway, the further out we got, the lonelier we were. We both began to hear banjo music and the line, “You sho got a purty mouf.” playing over and over in our head. Contemplating turning around to save our lives (and buttholes from hicks) we finally come across the entrance to the Providence Mountains State Park. Okay, we’re here, just deal with it.
The Locals.
Anyway, we got our tickets and proceeded to wait an hour until the next tour. I really don’t understand why we didn’t make the 1:30 tour at 2:30 if we were doing 88mph. I need to put the flux capacitor in the shop. AGAIN.
All the buildings were built by hand by Mr. Mitchell and his buff ass wife.
About ten minutes before the tour begins, I decide I have to drop the kids off at the pool, so I headed down to the only bathrooms within an 80 mile radius. I walked in, ready to drop one when… HOLY MOTHER OF SWEET BABY JESUS?! Right above the poop hole on the toilet sits a HUGE MOTHEREFFING MAN EATING SPIDER. Like this:
Like this.
or this:
It looked dead, therefore safe, so I screamed up to my wife, “Sherri! You gotta come see this!” She comes down and is all like, “What does this one look like, Ted Danson?”
I’m like, “No, this isn’t about my poop. Go look in the corner.” Now, she hates spiders, but was intrigued by this one. I said it was dead, so she blew on it. That’s when it reeled up like the big daddy in Arachnaphobia and says to us, “RAWR!!!!”
We both run like Japanese schoolgirls from a bus rapist, screaming expletives all the way back to the information center.
Actual re-enactment.
Anyway, the tour starts with a 1/2 mile walk to the entrance of the caverns. IT SUCKS. But when you turn that last corner, it’s completely worth it. Staring down from the mountain are two gigantic black eyes; the natural entrance to the caverns. In the left eye, you meet up with a very nice, well-groomed State Marshall that gives you the law. You can’t take anything even resembling food or water into the caverns to preserve the formations. All of this has to be left outside the gate.
Spooky?
After a few jokes and an informative speech about the entrance to the caverns, you finally make your way in to a dimly-lit passage and to a set of steel stairs.
This is where your guide parts and leaves you high and dry. Then, suddenly, this chamber opens up on you with some rather nice lighting design. Shit. We should have gotten married here. Then Oliver Stone painted primitive drawings on the walls while shooting The Doors, now nobody can do anything fun there. F**k you, Oliver Stone.
Who brings camo to a cave fight?
The caverns are considered dry, meaning there isn’t a constant source of water to build formations. But they weren’t always that way. You’ve stepped back 10,000 years into a cave filled with stalagmites, stalactites, cave coral, cave shields, and freaking octopus formations found in no other limestone cavern in the world. It’s like a mini Carlsbad Caverns. Definitely an unexpected jewel that everyone should see at least once.
Near the end of the tour, you enter this corridor that looks a lot like the queue at Indiana Jones. Except better. Here, the guide tells you that you’re standing on only about four feet of rock and/or crushed stalactites from the roof, which make up the ceiling of a massive chamber below. Here, the native indians held ceremonies because the floor F**KING BOOMED when you jumped on it. Now there’s a concrete path, so it doesn’t do that anymore, but still… freaky.
Fatass broke the hollow floor.
Cave shrooms made the Grateful Dead guy very happy.
It’s in this same room that he shuts off all the lights and puts you in pitch black. I had this done at another cavern for a full three minutes, and let me tell you, it’s worse than drinking two bottles of Jack. You lose all equilibrium and fall to the floor, you start seeing and hearing things, then your mind turns inside out and decides, “Hey, crazy is a good place to live.”
You pretty much spend two minutes inside the mind of a Santa Monica bum. Or Sherri when the power goes out. This guide does it for less than a minute, but you still get the idea.
Cave Shield Shields Cave.
Cavernous Vag.
After that, you hit the last chamber, get the story of how Oliver Stone is a monumental peanut butter and asshole sandwich, and nearly destroyed the cave for a single scene in the lamest movie ever (The Doors). Then your ass gets kicked out into blazing daylight to make the 1/2 mile hike back to your car.
I see my uncle's brother's cousin's sister's trailer from here!
One thing I didn’t mention about the hike to the caverns is the best part. Along the way, there are large rocks you can step on. When you do this, the entire ant cast of Indiana Jones and the Refrigerator Travesty comes looking to chew your ankles to the bone, leaving the rest of your stumpy ass to crawl your way to the information center before being eaten by mountain lions.
That's exactly what I wore that day!
The tour costs $5 for adults. Tours run: Weekdays at 1:30pm, Weekends and Holidays: 11:30am, 1:30pm, 3:30pm.
That’s it. Each tour is limited to 25 people, but you can make reservations.
From Southern California, take Interstate 15 North to Interstate 40 East. Drive a hell of a long way until you get to Essex Rd. Turn left onto Essex Rd. and drive approximately 16 miles to the entrance of the Providence Mountains State Park. Parking is limited, but there is a decent-sized campground a stones throw away from the visitor’s center.