Interview with the Catawampus
Parks and Frivolity, Question and AnswerAuthor: James Disney
It was August of 2009, we visited with the Catawampus to see how it was doing. For the last few years we’d really grown more and more depressed about the shape of the old piece of random mooing log. Let’s face facts, it was in pretty bad shape. The horns had deteriorated, the hair was nearly gone… this ancient piece of Knott’s history had really seen better times.
Fast forward to September and the Catawampus had disappeared entirely. Being fans of random mooing logs, Westcoaster quickly descended into a grumbling mass of theme park dweebs. Which is basically like we always are, but it was a Wednesday… this made it 100% more important.
Moving along, just last week, Knott’s announced via their Twitter page that the Catawampus had returned from it’s nearly 7 month sabatical. Where had it been? Why the new hair style? Is the Catawampus only capable of mooing? You are about to find out. So sit back, scroll along and read:
Jim Disney: Mr. Wampus, thank you so much for sitting down with us today. As you might know, we’re really big fans of your’s and were very happy to hear you’ve returned to Knott’s!
Catawampus: Moo
JD: So let’s start at the beginning. In September of 2009 you disappeared from the park and went off on some travels… where exactly did you go?
CW: Moo. Err, perhaps it’s best if I actually talk, isn’t it? Well, there were several reasons for my leaving. Not the least of which was the fact that I was starting to show my age. So for starters I had my people get in touch with Demi Moore’s people to find out where she gets her work done. That was step one. Step two was finally going on a vacation. I mean, for better or worse, I’ve been stuck in and around Knott’s for about 60 years now. I wanted to go see the world. I’ve always heard of these magical places like Paris, London, Budapest and Pacoima. I figured there’s no time than the present to get to some of these places.
JD: That sounds exciting! Any specific experiences you’d like to share?
CW: Actually, do you have any idea how hard it is to fly places when you look like I do? I had a ticket and everything and they still threw me in the cargo hold! But there were a few fun moments. There was this club in Osaka that I barely remember. All I know is I woke up on a bench at a train station and all my money was gone and I had a massive headache. Must have been an awesome night!
JD: Well, listen, we’ve gathered some questions from some of your biggest fans… would you mind answering a few of them?
CW: It would be my pleasure!
JD: #1. “Why is Luke so freakin’ awesome?”
CW: What is a Luke?
JD: #2. “Can you please explain Australia?”
CW: Well, imagine if you would, a giant island. On that island there are nothing but animals that can kill you 500 ways to Sunday… and women that are basically the hottest things in existence. And they can kill you 500 ways to Sunday. Did you know that even the women in Australia are poisonous? Trust me on that. Australia is basically a land that God designed to kill you. Everything is meant to spell out your doom. Dust storms, death. Lightning storms in Darwin, death. Snakes, death. Sting rays, death. I mean, if someone as awesome as Steve Irwin can’t even survive the place, we’re all screwed. They even have spiders that are big enough to eat birds. Australia is simply a scary, scary place.
JD: Who knew! #3. “Do you give hugs?”
CW: Depends… see, it’s hard to give hugs when your legs and arms don’t move much. So to make the effort, I need a good reason.
JD: #4. “What is your favorite baseball team, and if your answer is the Dodgers, why do they suck so hard?”
CW: Clearly I’m an Angels fan.
JD: #5. “What do you think about roller coaster enthusiasts?”
CW: That’s a loaded question. Some are nice. Some are… well, weird. But all things considered, I suppose they’re better than crack cocaine enthusiasts. Those people are just messed up!
JD: #6. “Are those extensions in your hair? And why blonde?”
CW: I’m an old Catawampus. But I’m not old at heart. I decided that it was time to freshen things up a bit and get away from that old grey look I had the last few years. They’re definitely not extensions. But the hair did get dyed to make me look a bit younger. You’ll also notice I got a lift job done on my horns. I know that I’ll get a lot of flack for having work done, but let’s face facts, I’m still more natural than Heidi Montag!
JD: #7. “Catawampus, were you in Detroit approximately 3 months ago? If so, I have a paternity test I would like you to take.”
CW: Was that submitted by a girl named Becky? I hope not.
JD: It was. Why?
CW: Uhhhh… next question please.
JD: Fair enough. #8. “Catawampus, were you responsible for the earthquakes around the globe?”
CW: I think you might have stumbled onto something there. Yes, I do have special powers. And I might have been responsible for a few of those quakes. For instance, the recent quake in Baja Mexico was me getting angry over losing a poker hand that lost me $25,000! So yes, it can happen. It is generally best to keep me from getting angry, you don’t want to catch my wrath.
JD: #9. “Catawampus, why the lack of procreation?”
CW: Um… my lawyer is advising me that I shouldn’t answer that in light of question number seven.
JD: Got time for one more?
CW: Sure, why not.
JD: What’s next for you?
CW: Well, I’ve gotten a lot done in the last few months and I think now I’ll just hang around here for a while and moo at people. I’ve had my adventures, now it’s just good to be back home in Ghost Town at Knott’s Berry Farm.
JD: Sounds great, thank you for your time!
CW: Moo.
