Westcoaster » Wednesday Web Roundup

Trebuchet Midgets?

James Disney — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 15:54:27 +0000

The world is a wonderful place… so says the song, but what makes the world wonderful? Midgets. I guess we can include dwarves in this list too. But either way “little people” of all sorts, whether they be from the Midgitus Ohgodhewalksfunnyus family or the Dwarveitus Hahahahalookathisbigheadus families (that’s latin, by the way) are magical beings, created by God for our amusement. Don’t believe me… read on!

So here you are… a discussion between myself and Luke… where we discuss God’s greatest gift to humanity (next to Luke and I of course)… midgets (well, mainly dwarves).

(2:54:26 PM) Luke: and what’s the water fire walk through attraction?
(2:55:37 PM) James Disney: Poseidon’s Fury
(2:55:56 PM) James Disney: I could’ve said “Dick Fart’s Revenge”
(2:56:20 PM) Luke: that would’ve been a better name
(2:58:49 PM) James Disney: I agree
(3:01:55 PM) Luke: btw, i’ve decided that i’m ok with them building the intamin banger looper
(3:02:12 PM) Luke: but only if they make a modification so there is a sweet ass extended dark ride section before the lift hill
(3:02:16 PM) Luke: that would be f*ckin badass
(3:02:34 PM) Luke: with like sweetass explosions and dwarves owning sh*t
(3:03:36 PM) Luke: not into the explosions and dwarves owning sh*t?
(3:05:16 PM) James Disney: How about exploding dwarves
(3:05:23 PM) Luke: i’m ok with that
(3:05:29 PM) James Disney: The world doesn’t have enough of that
(3:05:29 PM) Luke: but it would be better if it was like pslash mountain
(3:05:31 PM) Luke: and then coaster
(3:05:40 PM) James Disney: And exploding dwarves
(3:05:43 PM) James Disney: Full of win
(3:05:49 PM) Luke: something tells me that’s not gonna happen at disney world
(3:05:51 PM) Luke: but i wouldn’t hate it
(3:05:56 PM) James Disney: Like think of how it’d improve so many things
(3:06:01 PM) James Disney: Jungle Cruise…
(3:06:06 PM) James Disney: add kaboom dwarf
(3:06:12 PM) James Disney: Instantly 500% better
(3:06:59 PM) James Disney: I’m really stuck on this idea of little people going boom
(3:07:08 PM) James Disney: Like everything’s so much funnier when it’s a midget
(3:07:14 PM) Luke: lol
(3:07:28 PM) James Disney: Could you imagine a midget terrorist… you could never take ‘em serious
(3:07:38 PM) Luke: i could
(3:07:49 PM) Luke: i’d take em serious with a f*ckin croquet mallet
(3:07:52 PM) Luke: how fun does that sound
(3:07:57 PM) Luke: it would be like walk a mole
(3:08:00 PM) James Disney: YES!
(3:08:04 PM) Luke: but croquet a midget
(3:08:05 PM) James Disney: I do that anyways
(3:08:15 PM) James Disney: carry sticks around just to poke ‘em in the head
(3:08:20 PM) James Disney: their big ugly heads
(3:08:23 PM) Luke: nono, i mean the mallet end
(3:08:27 PM) James Disney: But that is cooler
(3:08:31 PM) Luke: yeah
(3:08:36 PM) Luke: or imagine something even more badass
(3:08:43 PM) Luke: like using them as trebuchet fodder
(3:09:16 PM) James Disney: Dude… tie ‘em together… like string 4 or 5 together… add trebuchet… instant hilarity
(3:09:21 PM) Luke: word
(3:09:29 PM) Luke: especially if the trebuchet breaks and just points down
(3:09:36 PM) Luke: and they whip around and just smack the grass
(3:09:45 PM) James Disney: YES
(3:09:52 PM) James Disney: lol, oh god, I nearly just sh*t
(3:09:58 PM) Luke: like they’re all wearing helmets and goggles and wings and sh*t like they’re going to fly away
(3:09:59 PM) Luke: and then
(3:10:01 PM) Luke: GROUNDSMACK
(3:10:03 PM) James Disney: Just imagine the “THWOP” sound
(3:10:12 PM) Luke: this could be a new band
(3:10:15 PM) Luke: GROUNDSMACK
(3:10:21 PM) James Disney: Trebuchet Midgets?
(3:10:56 PM) James Disney: I wonder if they’d bounce…

Yes… pure magic. On to other stories and boobs…

So Hurricane Ike rolled through and did some damage to Texas. I’d like to thank Tina Turner for staying away from Houston or the damage would’ve probably been infinitely worse. As is these poor fish got totally boned by the storm!

Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator

So okay… I know that’s a picture of Tina Fey… but let’s face facts: Tina Fey is hotter than Sarah Palin. There will be no further discussion on the subject. Moving on!

Megan Fox… in GQ… all you need to know: “Teenage Lesbian Crush”

So yes, apparently in her late teens Megan Fox fell in love with a Russian stripper… a FEMALE Russian stripper. Yes, she even made attempts to try and woo the object of her desire… alas, the love was unrequited. Regardless of all this… that sound you just heard was the collective sound of millions of men getting boners at even the idea of Megan Fox bein’ all gay on another chick. See, when she does it… it’s hot cause she wanted a stripper. When Lindsay Lohan does it… it’s with some fug-ass chick who looks like a dude. Advantage Megan Fox.

The world needs more Marissa Miller

Marissa Miller is hot… like, not just hot… but like so hot, kissing her is like trying to kiss lava. You’ll die… you will f*cking burst into flames and f*cking die. I sh*t you not. Look at that picture and tell me you didn’t get at least a little tingly in the shorts. (Remember, if you answer no: YOU’RE GAY! Sorry, I know that probably feels awkward… but it’ll be really awkward when you have to tell your parents and friends.)

Mila Kunis (this one’s for Luke)

So Luke is obsessed with Mila Kunis. You may ask yourself “With women like Marissa Miller in this world is there really a need for Mila Kunis?” In Luke’s world the answer is yes. My world… I’m just looking for the perfect ham and cheese sandwich… and a midget willing to be part of a trebuchet experiment… and Marissa Miller. Luke… he’s more concerned with playing tag with waves (yes… it is what it sounds like), eating a well made burrito… and Mila Kunis. So enjoy…

Well… hopefully I’ve managed to waste a few minutes of your time… and I hope you enjoyed it…

-J

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The Cars That Go Boom… and Boobs.

James Disney — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 07:00:53 +0000

So if you’re reading this… it means the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland hasn’t blown us to all unholy hell by forming a black hole that swallows the Earth. However, I have to admit, the prospect of that happening is almost kinda exciting. Just one of those morbid curiosities… what would it be like to be sucked into oblivion? Alas, that’s a quandry I’d much rather leave up to Scarlett Johansson, Hayden Panettiere or Bar Rafaeli than have a Black Hole kill me. That said… let’s look at interesting things!

Lance Armstrong coming out of retirement

Now… I’m not sure how I feel about this. The cycling fan in me would love to see Lance come back and wreck the competition… but the cycling fan in me enjoys the constant chaos of the Tour de France since he’s retired. But the biggest question in this whole thing is… who’s gonna be the man-whore of Hollywood if he goes back to full time competition.

Apple Releases iTunes 8, announces other stuff…

So in a rather disappointing announcement full of well… a lack of excitement and a very gaunt looking Steve Jobs (would someone convince him that a cheeseburger wouldn’t hurt?)… they announced an updated iPod Touch, iPhone software version 2.1, a new iPod Nano… and iTunes 8. Yeah, pretty boring. iTunes 8 does have some bitchin’ new visualizers though! Here’s a look… (click the images for a larger view)

As you can see they’re all nice and fluffy and will gladly hold the door open for your mom when she’s walking into a store! So polite!

Say hello to Bar Rafaeli… she is stupid hot…

Bar Rafaeli is hot. Really… is there anything else to say about it? This is the kind of hot that will cure cancer… I think… I’m pretty certain she can cure erectile dysfunction!

Hayden makes sure her boobs are still there…

Seriously… it’s a god damn shame when a busy star like Hayden Panettiere has to check and make sure that her own boobs are in the right place. What kind of world is this when she can’t even get help from some pathetic underling to make sure she’s well adjusted and not missing any parts. I would like to volunteer to make sure that this doesn’t happen again… I’m just nice like that. Why? Because I care.

So there you have it… another week full of love, random things… and possibly some stuff. Tune in again next week when we show you all the other horrors happening in this world… and probably some boobs.

Flippin’ Chipmunk and Pegasus for sale!

James Disney — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 07:00:43 +0000

Welcome to this week’s edition of random stuff to read and stuff to stare at… this time we take a long and interesting look at the world of competitive idiots, the mating cycle of gnats and hell… I dunno. Just read, click the links and enjoy the stories…

Kid quits high school to work on Guitar Hero career…

So where to start? Basically, this 16 year old kid has become exactly what South Park was parodying! Never mind that the time he spends playing his plastic piece of crap, he could probably learn something actually useful in this world. Rather, he’ll try to make money off a game that will never pay off in any meaningful way in the long run. Hopefully he’ll end up working at McDonalds soon. I can’t wait for that day.

Coolest Mr. Rogers video EVER! I mean, the guy was creepy to begin with. Any grown man that plays with finger puppets like that (and doesn’t work for Henson) is just a closeted child molester. I’m pretty convinced of it. Today is the beginning of the end for me… I just called Mr. Rogers a child molester I think.

Isla Fisher prancing on a beach in a swimsuit…

Have you seen Wedding Crashers? If you have… tell me there wasn’t something crazy awesome about her character in that movie, if you say no, you’re gay. Period. Okay, so she was completely psycho… but psycho in a hot way. Awesome. The world needs more hot redheaded nyphos… end of story. I’m pretty certain it’d bring peace to the middle east.

Kristen Bell hangs out on the beach in a bikini, the gods are smiling on us!

I don’t know about you… but Heroes really is a great show. Mainly because it has Hayden Panetteire and Kristen Bell on it. Now I’m not sure what it’s going to take for the producers of the show to realize that the best thing they could ever do to further the story would be to have a lesbian orgy with Kristen Bell, Hayden Panettiere, and Ali Larter, y’know… for the story. I think most stories would benefit from such things actually. Take Hamlet for instance… just throw a lesbo orgy in there and BAM… story’s 1500% better at least. Who needs prose and all that fruity talkin’?

Click the image for the larger view…

Someone actually posted this to Craigslist. I’m not big on Craigslist to be honest. I don’t have much need for used imaginary animals and don’t need a casual encounter with a 6′4″ tranny. So what use is it? I mean, you can buy tons of used crap there… parooze the personals… but if we’ve lost it to the point of putting a pegasus up for adoption, I mean come on!

Shawn Johnson attempts to steal Alicia Sacramone’s soul…

There are a few things during the Olympics that really bother me. First… “women’s gymnastics”… the fact of the matter is, it’s little girls. For instance, Shawn Johnson… she’s like 16, and a midget. It’s a horrible day when I have to sit there and wonder about whether or not I have to feel like a dirty old man for perving on this girl or that girl. As such, I’d prefer they be 18 to compete in the Olympics. Less confusion and less guilt for all!

Second… while everyone has their suspicions about the Chinese team and the fact that they’re like 14 years old. I personally have my suspicions about Shawn Johnson. While she seems like a nice girl… there’s a bit of a problem. Am I the only person that thinks she’s a chipmunk in disguise? Perhaps some sort of mutant half-breed of human and chipmunk? There’s one easy way to find out of course… hold up an acorn while she’s performing. If she runs over, grabs it from you and runs away after stuffing it in her mouth… she’s a chipmunk. So not only should the girls be at least 18, but I think it’s the responsible thing as a nation to make sure we’re not sending any rodents to the Olympics as well.

Alicia Sacramone knocking a dude the eff out! USA! USA! USA!

Well, that’s it for the week… I’ll end this one with a picture of Alicia Sacramone… the hottest gymnast who repeatedly fell on her ass.

Crap Balloons and Misty May’s Butt

James Disney — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 07:00:49 +0000

Congrats… it’s the middle of the week and you’ve managed to not kill anyone… you haven’t run down the middle of the street wearing only a sock while screaming “I’M A DIRTY GIRL DADDY!!” (or have you?).

So what does this mean to you? You’re probably sitting there wondering what the hell this post is about… why you’re reading it… and probably to a larger extent, wondering why you’re still reading Westcoaster after all this time. Well, here’s what it means for you: a new feature full of love, passion and mystery. Or maybe just a random blog posting each week to show you all the random things you should be reading, staring at, buying, etc. It’s the Wednesday Web Roundup!

Ready? Well… probably not, but here we go anyway!

Giant Dog Turd Damages Orphanage!

I, for one, can and never will get enough stories about massive feces wrecking homes and people’s lives. I’m sick of natural disasters like rivers overflowing their banks… I mean… it’s water. We bathe in water… water’s kind of a weak way to go. If water comes at you… you swim. But if a 50 ton ball of crap slams into your house… now that’s life altering… you can’t swim in sh*t.

Mugger Dressed As Winnie The Pooh Caught

Man Catches 3000lb Stingray!

If there was any question about whether or not they are trying to take over… this is the proof! First they take out Steve Irwin… then that lady on a boat. That’s it humanity… it’s time to declare war on Stingrays!

Retards Get Upset At Tropic Thunder

How To Make A Baptism Awesome by Joss Stone

I’ve decided something after reading the Joss Stone story… there is a very sad lack of head butting in our culture. In other countries it’s practically a way of saying “Hi, how are you today… I love you.” But here in the United States, we’re really kinda lame like that. We insist on firm hand shakes, pats on the back, man hugs and just general fruity ways of expressing ourselves. I propose that we change the standard method of greeting one another from a hand shake to a skull distorting head butt. Imagine walking up to your grandma and clockin’ her one so hard that she falls on her ass, out cold. Hell, if she can’t take it maybe she’s not the kind of person you should associate with… just sayin’. Why live life associating with pansies… it’ll only bring you down.

This next link basically gave me an excuse to post this picture… you’re welcome.

Hayden Panettiere’s Dad Arrested

The Olympics Are Going On

In one of the more Presidential things we’ve seen him do, here’s President Bush um… gesturing at Misty May-Treanor’s ass. I’m personally just glad this photo didn’t involve the “Womens” (read: little girls) gymnastics team. Replace Misty May with a 16 year old girl and the photo suddenly gets much, much creepier! USA USA USA!

Last but not least… a really, really addicting game

Well, that’s it for this week… hope this distracted you from your responsibilities long enough to forget that it’s only Wednesday! Check back next week for more fun!

-J