How’ve you been?  Good to see you back here, reading what I have to write.  So, where we last left off, our rag tag bunch of hack designers (read: Me and Drew) were tossing some ideas around about where things will go moving on into the future.  A few decisions were made.  I ate a Snickers bar.  Something something In ‘n’ Out, bacon, something something.  Oh yeah! I remember now.  Let’s take a look at what’s happened since we last spoke!

So when I last left all of you back in late March, I had been evaluating some things.  Mostly some look and feel enhancements for the site.  (Someone really should come up with a better term than “look and feel”… I mean, you can’t really “feel” a website, can you?  I mean, unless you’re blind… but how would the pictures work? Maybe like magnets… freakin’ miracles.)

Sneaky peeky 1

So generally speaking, most of our development discussion is purely insane.  For every legitimate suggestion, 15 are pure lunacy.  We’ll suggest various color combos, sort through logo ideas, discuss who to ban (kidding, kidding!  Those days are long gone…).  But all sorts of boredom can ensue when you’re only really discussing the way a certain font looks on top of a different looking background.  It seems silly, it seems excessive… but when it all comes down to it, we really are very serious about the quality of the site.  Think of it in the same mindset of the saying “Dress for the job you want.”  If we wanted to give the site 50%, we could crank something out in an afternoon and be happy with it.  But we definitely take a lot of pride in the way the site looks and its ease of navigation and readability for you, the users.

Sneaky peeky 2

Once a few examples are found, I’ll post some ideas of stuff that the guys can consider when throwing the logo together.  I’m not entirely keen on these specific images, but they convey a good idea of the background colors that we should be using.  This all plays into one of the ideas I’ve really been excited about when it comes to the upcoming site tweak.  If everything works as planned, you’ll have several different looks and feels to choose from!  Instead of Andrew and I making a decision at some point where we throw the darts at the dart board to choose a color scheme for the site, why not give you a few different choices?  While I’m not 100% confident that this idea will work as planned, if we can, we will make it happen!  Kinda cool, huh?

Sneaky peeky 3

One idea I had was to use photos.  We have some of the best photographers on the internet when it comes to theme park photography, why not use some of their talents?  Again, it’s an idea that might not see the light of day, but you never know.  Stranger things have happened.  Most famously, Westcoaster 6 had a very stylized version of a few photos that we’d taken over the years.  This idea was to take the photo and maybe dress it up a little.  Oddly, as fun as some of the tweaks were, Albert wisely pointed out that the original photo was actually perfect as is.  An awesome shot by Luke that was taken during the fireworks show at Hong Kong Disneyland.

Sneaky peeky 4

And then, we have the inevitable tests… Andrew starts coming back with logo ideas.  Generally speaking, the background itself won’t survive, but the text?  The general consensus is that we love the “W”, the rest of the text… maybe not so much.  I don’t know just yet.  Again, keeping in mind that this is simply the first go at a logo of any sort.  The new idea is that the “logo” itself is the text that floats over the background images.  So we can float a logo text with the site’s title (or whatever we end up choosing, I ended up sending several test slogans off to Dan and Drew the other night) over pretty much any background we choose.  Fun, huh?

Sneaky peeky 5

And a second logo test… sort of goes back to a Westcoaster 2 look.  There’s a lot that I like about it… who knows.  But one thing that will stay pretty solid is the general look and feel of the logo to be unified through the whole site.  We’re still in the early stages of the planning, but generally speaking, with us we’ll go from zero to a million dang near overnight.

Sneaky peeky 6

And how about the boards?  Well, they’re already in test and tweak mode as well!  There’s still a lot to do here, but I am hugely pleased with how they’re turning out.  Many of the features I’d envisioned for them are fleshing out pretty well.  Nothing revolutionary, but it’s generally positive stuff.  I think you’ll be pleased with the outcome!

We’ve still got some fun stuff up our sleeves for the coming weeks and months.  Some cool tweaks and changes… and some additions too!  It’s going to be a fun ride! 10 years into it and we’re still expanding, growing and changing.  This has been a fun hobby so far, and I’m just glad that all of you have been along for the journey with us!

Have any questions or suggestions about the site?  Please shoot them over by using our Formspring account: http://www.formspring.me/westcoaster

Thanks for reading!

-Jim

Today we take a look at some of the more important issues facing humanity.  Things like “why does a fireworks show shut down a theme park”… I mean, really, this is hard hitting stuff people.  I guess I could be writing about the meaning of life or waxing philosophical on some important issue facing us all.  Or I could talk about things like the European Union and how the Greeks apparently are a bunch of lazy swine.  But what fun is that?  None!  I tell you, no fun what so ever.  So let’s make some fart jokes and read what you schlubs asked me!

Remember, if you wanna get in on the fun, ask me questions at http://www.formspring.me/westcoaster

These questions all come from only the sexiest of readers…

Question 1: In which ways was the park (Disneyland) shut down for Remember Dreams Come True? I never got to see it in person.
Answer: They had to shut down basically everything around the hub area (Buzz Lightyear, Star Tours, Tiki Room… and I think Big Thunder Mountain). The walkway down the parade route near the Matterhorn was closed. All of the Fantasyland classics were closed, as were Toon Town (still common regardless of which show is going on) and Small World.

So while the show was amazingly good, the unfortunate part was that it crippled park operations and made little sense to continue logistically.

Of course this makes the newer shows less of a “wow” factor because anyone who saw Remember: Dreams Come True will compare them. It’s just not a fair comparison. The new shows are good… but will always be lesser shows when looked at in comparison.

Question 2: That avatar is not a penguin. How can you have a bird avatar that is not a penguin? Have you become disenchanted with their fuzzy coolness?
Answer: I couldn’t for the life of me find a penguin one where the penguin was wearing a stately hat. Trust me, I have lots of love for penguins. But they apparently don’t wear derby hats. What’s with that?

On my next trip to Sea World, I’m going to have to go visit my fuzzy friends and say “HEY, WEAR SOME HATS DAMNIT!”

Question 3: I sent you an e-mail a looooooong time ago about the Finding Nemo submarines when the ride was still being built. I said that I changed the name of one of the subs on Wikipedia to Seafarerer, and then someone edited it. I’m sorry for being an idiot.
Answer: All is forgiven, my child. Yea, learn from your mistakes and do not repeat your sins against the Seafarererererererer.

Question 4: Where is one able to find Mr.Wampus at Knott’s Berry Farm? I understand he is know to be quite elusive.
Answer: The Catawampus is found right next to the windmill in Ghost Town. Be careful though, he’s been known to wear disguises.

In this photo you see the outfit he wore when he visited India recently.

And if he’s not there… he’s probably just on a break and took some time to go to In ‘n’ Out for a burger.

Question 5: Mr. Catawampus, how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?
Answer: Threve.

Question 6: So, I was at Knott’s yesterday & having grown up in SoCal, realized just how unchanged this park really is compared to the dynamically changing & expanding Disneyland. Is there any hope for true greatness at Knott’s, or have they settled for mediocrity?
Answer: Good question! I would actually argue that in this case, the word mediocrity is very subjective to each person’s opinion. What I personally consider mediocre could be something truly incredible to someone else.

I personally don’t feel that Knott’s is “settling” by any means. To compare Disney and Cedar Fair, or even Disneyland and Knott’s Berry Farm is almost unfair. It’s almost like putting Tito Ortiz in a boxing ring with Jenna Jameson hyped up on Oxycontin. This isn’t to say that Knott’s is a doped up ex-porn star who’s a pathetic looking shell of her former self. But when we look at Disney, with the money and marketing that goes into their resorts, nobody can really compete. At least not on the west coast of the U.S.

I think sometimes Knott’s gets a very unfair rap due to its proximity to The Disneyland Resort. I mean, look at the scope of projects they take on. Disney throws together $100-300 million attractions without thinking about it (well, that’s not entirely true, is it?). Knott’s builds a $10-20 million roller coaster every few years. I don’t see this as mediocre. I see it as the fact that this park is one of the biggest parks in the states in terms of attendance and does projects in line with other parks of similar size.

And I will actually be honest and say that in the last few months, the park actually looks better than it has in a long time. And yeah, I can be harsh on that. But hopefully they’ll keep it up, because they had a bit of a rough patch there for a while. But when its all said and done, I do love Knott’s quite a lot and want it to do well. They may never have a $100 million mega-attraction like Disney, but I’m okay with that.

Question 7: How do I find true love? It seems to have evaded me.
Answer: Have you looked on the book shelf? Or on the table? Maybe you misplaced it?

Question 8: With World of Color around the corner, do you think we’ll see a return to Hollywood and Dine or Millionaire (or something new in these buildings) to help with capacity once Paradise Peir is closed for the night for the show?
Answer: Well, I don’t think so. Hollywood and Dine is currently being used by the Food and Wine Festival. But I do wonder what they could do with that space. Millionaire… there’s nothing there. It’s basically already too late, they would’ve had to have been working on this stuff already.

But I will say, I’m curious to see how they’re going to work the crowd control situation. Especially considering if you read sites like MiceAge, they’re reporting that they intend to shut down Paradise Pier for the show. This is going to create a huge number of people who would be riding rides to be spilled into the rest of the park.

I wouldn’t want to be the folks in charge of planning crowd control! That’s for sure.

Question 9: What the hell is on top of the Little Mermaid building? There’s a section that aaaalllmmmoossssttt looks like it’s a path up to a second floor, but now the crane’s gone, and the building looks to be finished, steel-wise. What’s going on?
Answer: It’s just taller for the sake of being taller. The ride is finished from a structural steel standpoint as far as I can tell. So what you see is what you get at this point.

Why is that section taller? That is a good question though. But from what I can tell, it’s not for a second level. The ride appears to only be a single level ride. Any changes in track height will probably be minimal.

Question 10: Your theme park updates are nearly as awesome as an In-Out-Burger. Do you have, or know of any pictorial updates of say, ye-olde 2000 or earlier when DCA, or even older attractions like Tomorrowland 98 (eww) or Indy was being built?
Answer: Honestly, while we were doing updates (primitive as they might have been) back then, none of them survive. Which is probably merciful for you, the readers.

For old, old stuff I would suggest checking out Intercot West (formerly Disneyland Inside and Out), they’ve been around forever and have a bunch of old stuff. Also, my old friends Doobie and Rebekah over at LaughingPlace.com might still have a lot of their old photos up (some of which were shot by your’s truly).

I do personally still have several thousand old photos that were shot in 35mm film. So it would be a lot of work to scan stuff in and I simply haven’t thought much about doing that. Especially considering we don’t have any of the old site files anymore to show them in the context of our old updates.

But I would definitely start with Laughing Place and Intercot for DCA. Bob over at Bear-y Tales has some awesome photos of Indy and Fantasmic being built.

http://www.laughingplace.com

http://www.intercotwest.com/default.aspx

http://www.bear-ytales.net

So there you have it… some good questions, some utterly mediocre answers.  Hope you enjoyed it!  And remember, if you want to get in on the fun, just shoot me some questions over at Formspring!

-J

I know it’s been a few weeks, but as you might’ve seen last week was a beast and there’s been so much happening around the parks.  Hard to get a word in edgewise lately!  But hey, it’s all good, it keeps us busy and gives all of you lots of pretty pictures to see.

So I figured today would be a good day to sit down and post some of the fun questions and answers that we’ve done on Formspring lately.  Remember, if you want me to answer a question, send it to me there.  The address: http://www.formspring.me/westcoaster

Okay, so let’s get to the questions…

Question: For English, Press One. Para Español, Marque Número Dos.
Answer: Can I press 3 for Esperanto?

Question: Can you name 10 things The Beverly tastes like?
Answer: Y’know, the weird thing about The Beverly is that it doesn’t taste bad from the outset. It’s all about the aftertaste! So with that in mind… instead of answering the question straight up, I’m going to go through the 10 stages of experiencing The Beverly.

1. Oh hey! Free Beverly!
2. Okay, got some… let’s drink it!
3. Oooo, different, but not bad. Very sweet.
4. Well that wasn’t as bad as everyone said, in fact it was almost pleasant!
5. I think I’ll… wait… what’s that?
6. OH MY GOD IT TASTES LIKE A DONKEY JUST PISSED IN MY MOUTH!
7. MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP!
8. Okay, dying down, phew… that was awful.
9. Wow, it’s gone… what now?
10. Oh look, free Beverly, let’s try some!

Question: Kingdom of the Dinosaurs should be replaced with…
Answer: Kingdom of The Catawampus! Duh! [Editor's note: This might be my best idea ever. - JD]

Just imagine a ride with a crazy old dude sending you back in time to last Thursday, a magical time when Catawampi (the plural of Catawampus) roamed the plains of Norwalk. Yes, ancient Norwalk… before the apes left to found Norwalk. Back when it was known as Moo. (What else would it be called? That’s the only thing a Catawampus can say!)

You’d take a slow moving adventure on ride vehicles that bend and move in weird ways as they ride over ancient track systems. Your adventures would take you through the history of the Catawampus and it’s existence as a mooing log through time. You’d even see one scene where we learn the true origins of the Catawampus… as we see it on the Moon, its original home.

It would all end with a huge musical number full of mooing Catawampi… it will be magical.

Question: I’m a pro. A procrastinator that is. How do you fix this, and can you relate?
Answer: Oh totally… I’ll just… well, now that I think of it…

I guess that… hmmm…

Screw it, I’ll answer this later.

Question: Have you ever received any random compliments?
Answer: The general rule is this: people only say anything when you’ve pissed them off. This is true of anything really.

I mean, just think about it. When you go out to eat or are out shopping, do you ever ask to see a manager when things are going perfectly? Generally the answer is no. Usually you only say something when somethings gone wrong. Which is a shame really, because people deserve to be told when they’re going something right, don’t they?

I think in the 10 years I’ve been running Westcoaster, I’ve maybe gotten a small handfull of true compliments, but hundreds of nasty “I can’t believe you said that!” e-mails/private messages on the community boards. Mostly from folks who can’t take a joke and/or are just too high strung for their own good.

But everything said is said with good intentions and in the spirit of having fun… those reading just need to remember that generally speaking nothing is sacred to Westcoaster.

Question: Chocolate and bacon funnel cake?  Yes or no?
Answer: There is no answer but yes. Bacon is one of those magical things that can make most other foods better.

It sounds strange, but it’s very true. Why else are things like chocolate covered bacon so popular? It really comes down to one simple fact… the mix of savory (bacon) and sweet (chocolate) are one of life’s little pleasures. Have you ever had chocolate with little bits of sea salt? Same idea. It sounds strange, but it really is delicious.

Reminds me of the time we were at Beaches and Cream in Walt Disney World. We’d ordered a Kitchen Sink dessert (which is epic, so epic it requires a “WHOLE CAN OF WHIPPED CREAM”). As we got down to the bottom of the sink, we found it pretty tough to continue on. It was then that brilliance struck… and we asked the waitress for some bacon (A WHOLE PIG OF BACON?). Bacon + Ice cream + oreos, etc = EPIC WIN. And as we finished our kitchen sink experiment, we all agreed we had collectively found a wonderful treasure.

So yes, bacon + sweets generally is delicious. If you ever get the chance to try it, definitely do it!

Question: Does the chicken out in front of Knott’s Chicken Dinner Restaurant have a name?
Answer: Officially? Not to my knowledge. But Dan and I have unofficially decided his name is Chicken Boo. The name comes from one of the greatest series of animated shorts ever that used to be featured in the Animaniacs TV series.

Question: You guys at Westcoaster sound like you have a lot of fun. Is it hard to be your friends, or is this an exclusive club?
Answer: Thanks!

This is hardly an exclusive club. We’re just a bunch of goofballs who enjoy theme parks… among other things. Everyone’s very welcome to join in the fun! In fact we love having new folks join in, it helps to keep things fresh!

Question: Draw me a hippopotamus, b**ch!
Answer: I’m terrible at drawing. So instead, might I offer you this wonderful photo of the Factapotamus?

Okay people, so I hope that helped to solve some of life’s little problems.  Have a problem? Got a rash? Need advice?  Send it my way… it’s fun.  Don’t always expect a serious answer, but then again, if you’re reading this site I’m pretty sure you’re already used to the lack of seriousness for most things, aren’t you?

Thanks for reading!

-J

It was August of 2009, we visited with the Catawampus to see how it was doing.  For the last few years we’d really grown more and more depressed about the shape of the old piece of random mooing log.  Let’s face facts, it was in pretty bad shape.  The horns had deteriorated, the hair was nearly gone… this ancient piece of Knott’s history had really seen better times.

Fast forward to September and the Catawampus had disappeared entirely.  Being fans of random mooing logs, Westcoaster quickly descended into a grumbling mass of theme park dweebs. Which is basically like we always are, but it was a Wednesday… this made it 100% more important.

Moving along, just last week, Knott’s announced via their Twitter page that the Catawampus had returned from it’s nearly 7 month sabatical.  Where had it been?  Why the new hair style?  Is the Catawampus only capable of mooing?  You are about to find out.  So sit back, scroll along and read:

Jim Disney: Mr. Wampus, thank you so much for sitting down with us today.  As you might know, we’re really big fans of your’s and were very happy to hear you’ve returned to Knott’s!
Catawampus: Moo

JD: So let’s start at the beginning.  In September of 2009 you disappeared from the park and went off on some travels… where exactly did you go?
CW: Moo.  Err, perhaps it’s best if I actually talk, isn’t it?  Well, there were several reasons for my leaving.  Not the least of which was the fact that I was starting to show my age.  So for starters I had my people get in touch with Demi Moore’s people to find out where she gets her work done.  That was step one.  Step two was finally going on a vacation.  I mean, for better or worse, I’ve been stuck in and around Knott’s for about 60 years now.  I wanted to go see the world.  I’ve always heard of these magical places like Paris, London, Budapest and Pacoima.  I figured there’s no time than the present to get to some of these places.

JD: That sounds exciting!  Any specific experiences you’d like to share?
CW: Actually, do you have any idea how hard it is to fly places when you look like I do? I had a ticket and everything and they still threw me in the cargo hold!  But there were a few fun moments.  There was this club in Osaka that I barely remember.  All I know is I woke up on a bench at a train station and all my money was gone and I had a massive headache.  Must have been an awesome night!

JD: Well, listen, we’ve gathered some questions from some of your biggest fans… would you mind answering a few of them?
CW: It would be my pleasure!

JD: #1. “Why is Luke so freakin’ awesome?”
CW: What is a Luke?

JD: #2. “Can you please explain Australia?”
CW: Well, imagine if you would, a giant island.  On that island there are nothing but animals that can kill you 500 ways to Sunday… and women that are basically the hottest things in existence.  And they can kill you 500 ways to Sunday.  Did you know that even the women in Australia are poisonous?  Trust me on that.  Australia is basically a land that God designed to kill you.  Everything is meant to spell out your doom.  Dust storms, death.  Lightning storms in Darwin, death.  Snakes, death.  Sting rays, death.  I mean, if someone as awesome as Steve Irwin can’t even survive the place, we’re all screwed.  They even have spiders that are big enough to eat birds.  Australia is simply a scary, scary place.

JD: Who knew! #3. “Do you give hugs?”
CW: Depends… see, it’s hard to give hugs when your legs and arms don’t move much.  So to make the effort, I need a good reason.

JD: #4. “What is your favorite baseball team, and if your answer is the Dodgers, why do they suck so hard?”
CW: Clearly I’m an Angels fan.

JD: #5. “What do you think about roller coaster enthusiasts?”
CW: That’s a loaded question.  Some are nice.  Some are… well, weird. But all things considered, I suppose they’re better than crack cocaine enthusiasts.  Those people are just messed up!

JD: #6. “Are those extensions in your hair? And why blonde?”
CW: I’m an old Catawampus.  But I’m not old at heart.  I decided that it was time to freshen things up a bit and get away from that old grey look I had the last few years.  They’re definitely not extensions.  But the hair did get dyed to make me look a bit younger.  You’ll also notice I got a lift job done on my horns.  I know that I’ll get a lot of flack for having work done, but let’s face facts, I’m still more natural than Heidi Montag!

JD: #7. “Catawampus, were you in Detroit approximately 3 months ago? If so, I have a paternity test I would like you to take.”
CW: Was that submitted by a girl named Becky?  I hope not.

JD: It was. Why?
CW: Uhhhh… next question please.

JD: Fair enough. #8. “Catawampus, were you responsible for the earthquakes around the globe?”
CW: I think you might have stumbled onto something there.  Yes, I do have special powers.  And I might have been responsible for a few of those quakes.  For instance, the recent quake in Baja Mexico was me getting angry over losing a poker hand that lost me $25,000!  So yes, it can happen.  It is generally best to keep me from getting angry, you don’t want to catch my wrath.

JD: #9. “Catawampus, why the lack of procreation?”
CW: Um… my lawyer is advising me that I shouldn’t answer that in light of question number seven.

JD: Got time for one more?
CW: Sure, why not.

JD: What’s next for you?
CW: Well, I’ve gotten a lot done in the last few months and I think now I’ll just hang around here for a while and moo at people.  I’ve had my adventures, now it’s just good to be back home in Ghost Town at Knott’s Berry Farm.

JD: Sounds great, thank you for your time!
CW: Moo.

Universal City, California – Hundreds of prospective job seekers are expected to line up at Universal Studios Hollywood on Monday, April 19 as The Entertainment Capital of L.A. auditions Studio Tour Guides in preparation for the most dramatic transformation of the historic studio backlot in decades:  the opening of “King Kong 360 3-D” Created by Peter Jackson, the world’s largest, most intense 3-D experience, and the unveiling of four acres of movie sets and filming locations, newly rebuilt over two years since the June 2008 fire.

Auditions will take at least three hours and are planned from 2:00pm to 5:00pm at Universal Studios Hollywood.

When hired, the approximate 40 English and Spanish speaking guides will serve as Studio Tour ambassadors, taking visitors behind the scenes of the working studio environment.

The Studio Tour Guide program has evolved as a Hollywood apprenticeship, providing employees access to Hollywood-insider perks unavailable anywhere else in the entertainment industry.  Highlights include:  intimate group symposiums with prestigious industry professionals, free acting classes by top professors and auditions for top industry casting directors.

Making its colossal debut this summer, “King Kong 360 3-D,” based on Peter Jackson’s 2005 blockbuster, will open as a signature ride on the world famous, behind-the-scenes Studio Tour.  Hailed as the world’s largest, most intense 3-D experience, “King Kong 360 3-D” will feature visceral state-of-the-art special effects with new 3-D media to deliver an incomparable theme park ride of epic proportions.  Studio Tour guests will be transported to Skull Island where they will find themselves catapulted into the middle of a terrifying struggle between a giant T-Rex and “the eighth wonder of the world” – King Kong.

The four newly rebuilt acres of film production sets will cover 317,000 sq. ft. on a site where countless tent pole movies, television shows, still shoots and commercials have filmed since the 1920s.  Throughout the reconstruction process, filmmakers have been interested in the model, design and construction of this premier location.  Already, A-List directors are reserving locations for the filming of upcoming blockbusters with star-studded casts.

The great majority of the studio’s famous film locations, including the “War of the Worlds” set, Western Streets, European Street, the Psycho House-Bates Motel, and “Desperate Housewives” Wisteria Lane were untouched by the fire and have remained in continuous use for dozens of motion picture and television productions.

Other enhancements to the Studio Tour, included a recent update to include state-of-the-art, flat-screen Hi-Definition monitors and digital playback system designed to further enhance visitors’ behind-the-scenes experience of a working studio environment.

Because the Studio Tour is constantly changing to accommodate film and TV production schedules, a custom Hi-Def digital playback system has been designed to allow the Studio Tour Guides to instantly select material from several hundreds of clips created for the world-renowned Studio Tour attraction.

Universal Studios Hollywood is a unit of Universal Parks & Resorts, a division of Universal Studios, a part of NBC Universal.  NBC Universal is one of the world’s leading media and entertainment companies in the development, production, marketing of entertainment, news, and information to a global audience.  Formed in May of 2004 through the combining of NBC and Vivendi Universal Entertainment, NBC Universal owns and operates a valuable portfolio of news and entertainment networks, a premier motion picture company, significant television production operations, a leading television stations group, and world-renowned theme parks.  NBC Universal is 80% owned by General Electric, with 20% controlled by Vivendi Universal.

So here’s Westcoaster’s first logo.  And by first logo, I mean this was actually our second logo if I’m not mistaken.  Our first logo was so painful that if any of you remember it… stop.  Seriously, erase that memory from your head.  The site itself had a god awful color scheme that just wasn’t good (my fault).  The logo didn’t “pop” from the background.  Instead, the colors I’d chosen actually made it so painful to try and read the site.  Alas, these were the days when we were all still trying to figure out what this internet thing was all about.

So this version came along and stuck around a while.  It saw features like Westcoaster Imagineering and saw us through the early days of construction coverage.  But being us… it didn’t last too long.

This version didn’t really get used much on the site and was pretty short lived.  But anyone with a business card from 2001-2008 would’ve been very familiar with this logo.

By this point we hadn’t yet killed off the SCCC just yet either.  This logo actually saw use on the separate website for the SCCC for a time.

Next up was 2002’s Version 4.  This one had familiar elements to it, but started to grow a bit.  Also, a bit of a fun fact on this one was the surfer.  The original version that never got used on the public site actually had Hugh Hefner’s face over the surfer’s animated head.  Something I wish we’d actually followed through on, it could’ve been fun.  But there’s the whole headache of using someone’s likeness without their permission.  Stupid legal crap!  Legalities be damned… here’s the logo!

Also in this logo you see the navigation bar… lots of stuff that’re long gone.  The Southern California Coaster Club, Bear-y Tales, a site that we took over in a merciless hostile acquisition from Bob Barber.  Well, by hostile… I’m pretty sure all it cost me was a Long Island Iced Tea at the Cove Bar.  In the years since, Bob’s actually re-opened Bear-y Tales as a new/old site.  Which is awesome since it never really fit the Westcoaster mold.  The truth of it was that Bob just didn’t have the time to keep the site up in those days as he juggled work, school, etc.  So we offered to take it over from him.  But in the end, Bear-y Tales was really his baby and it was best if he was the one to run it…

Then came version 5.  This would’ve been late 2003 or so.  It started the slide towards more understated logos… but still retaining some flashy appearances.  I always liked this one a lot.  The site itself retained basically the same layout as version 4, but I’d really pushed Andrew for a more slick logo… not to mention one that’s a bit shorter than the previous version.  The background of the site was really the only change apart from the logo.  It went from a dark blue to a baby blue.

Then in 2005, we debuted version 6… while the site layout changed very little, the color scheme got a pretty big overhaul.

This one got away from the constant barrage of roller coasters and theme park elements.  The intention (as has always been the intention of the site) was to focus on the “West Coast” aspect of things.  Sort of a laid back lifestyle approach rather than just being a bunch of theme park geeks (which, facing facts is basically all we are).

Being that we only hold on to a logo/layout for 2-3 years at a time, in 2008 we started kicking around the idea of Westcoaster 7 in early 2008.  Actually, I can tell you it was February 8th, 2008 to be exact.  After a long discussion with Andrew, I posted a message for the staff to mull over what sort of fun things we’d do for version 7.  Out of about 500 ideas I think we implemented 4.

Why does Westcoaster change from time to time?  I can hear you asking it.  Well, a few reasons.  Andrew and I always end up getting antsy and get a creative hair up our collective butts.  Not to mention, we like to shake things up here and there to keep things fresh.  Besides… imagine if you had to still look at Westcoaster version 1?  How out-dated and hideous would that be?  Yeah, pretty bad.

The interesting part is that a few of the ideas from the planning for Westcoaster 7 will actually see the light of day in the next version.  But for now… there you are.  I figured it was kind of fun to look back over the past 10 years of Westcoaster after we last looked forward at what’s to come!

Thanks for reading!

-J

Welcome to that part of my brain that seems to wander off on little tangents and get me into 20 different kinds of trouble.  This is a good and bad thing all at once.  Why?  Well, let’s start at the beginning.  (And when I get to the end, I’ll probably just continue on like a fool…)

Step 1: Starting 10 years ago now, we spat out a little nugget of love onto the interbutts; Westcoaster was born.  A site that began as the Southern California Coaster Club.  We started small with the concept of a regional coaster club to rival things like ACE Hardware American Coaster Enthusiasts.  It was a noble concept really, but one we were ill equipped to carry out.  Now with new groups popping up like Club TPR and others, what had originally been a concept we’d considered is being carried out by others who have decided the hegemonic atmosphere of theme park and coaster clubs has had its time.  Now is their time to shake things up a little and offer alternatives!  Something I’ve been very excited to see.   Alas, this was never the direction I think Westcoaster/SCCC was meant to take… and I’m okay with that.

Step 2: Westcoaster begins.  Soon after the beginning of the SCCC, I’d began tossing around other ideas.  One thing you’ll notice with me, and I’m sure this would be echoed by those who’ve been along for the journey, is that I’m never fully satisfied with nearly anything.  The second I finish one project I’ll have a week of bliss, then I turn around and start thinking of why it’s not good enough.  10 years and several versions of Westcoaster later (including a couple so awful I don’t even have a screen shot of them), we’re still meddling and tweaking things left and right.

Step 3: ???

Step 4: Profit?  HAH!  What a concept.  You’s a funny man, Charlie Brown!

Sneaky peeky 1

Step 5: Okay, back to  being serious.  One major issue I’ve had with the current version of the website is actually the front page.  Dan and I have always had an issue with it… not that it’s bad, there’s just always been something about it that drove us nuts.    The result of our 2 years of discussions was that we needed to tweak things a little.  After all, there’s a lot about the current incarnation that we really like.  The logo for instance is one good part.  Then there’s the message boards.  Many aspects of the system we use are nice and make for a fun environment for everyone to participate, but there’s a lot of things that’ve been promised over the years that’ve never really been 100% on delivery.  As you might imagine this has been very frustrating for those of us who want to offer different things for all of you to enjoy.  Re-launches of things like galleries and blogs have been put off time and again because I’m waiting on developers to get off their butts and implement systems they promised.

Sneaky peeky 2

So here we are now… doing incremental upgrades to systems only to have skins and functions break, all the while, these same systems became bigger and bigger resource hogs.  For the money we pay, you’d think things would work a little better and would be slightly more user friendly.  So what started as an incremental fix to the front page has turned into a tweak of slightly… well, it’s a little bigger than that.  The look and feel of the site might see a bit of a tweak for the better.  But a lot of the functionality will remain, and we’ll be returning other functions that have disappeared over the last few years as well.

Sneaky peeky 3

So what now? Well these few images are only the beginning.  They represent the roughest possible point in the process of development.  But if I was to give you a hint as to where things are going… think back to version 6 (the yellow/orange/grey) Westcoaster mixed with the best parts of the current version.  It’ll be easier to read, and if we’re able to carry out one concept… you (the readers) will actually have a say in how the site looks.  This is a fun one!

So why am I doing this?  Well, a few reasons really.  I need to write more (as to the rest of us on the site, but that’s a story for another version of Tracking Madness), and we’ve always been so silly about keeping things hidden for various reasons.  But at the end of the day, I don’t think there’s any logical reason why people need to be kept in the dark about what’s coming for the site.  We’re 10 years into this now… hopefully the best days are still ahead of us, and I’m pretty sure they are!  Thanks for reading…

-JD

Discuss this blog on the message boards

What is an update anyway?  I mean, it’s a bunch of photos that give you an idea of what’s going on at the parks, what’s going on with “Project XYZ” and such.  I have no intention of changing that either.  But there simply needs to be more than just updates on Westcoaster.  There are so many subjects not directly relating to things like The Disneyland Resort or Knott’s Berry Farm that we could address as well!  Why limit things so much.  Why not address pressing issues outside theme parks?  Well, here’s a start.  So I present you the first part of “People ask me questions.”

For those that don’t know, these are random questions asked mainly by random people.  You can ask me questions too at http://www.formspring.me/westcoaster

Question 1: Naked girl on coaster needs ride partner but has horrible acne. What do?
Answer: Bag over head, enjoy ride.

Question 2: Are you the Catawampus?
Answer: I am not. I do not have ram horns and I do not moo. As such, I couldn’t possibly be the Catawampus. Moo.

Question 3: If lost on the LOST island, would you eat a seagull?
Answer: No. I’d eat Hurley. A seagull might keep me fed for a day. I could eat for a friggin month off Hurley! I’d save the seagulls for later.

Question 4: When am I getting my Club Westcoaster soup of the month? I paid my registration fees, damn it!
Answer: The Club Westcoaster soup for March was sent out last week. Since we don’t have the budget of the much larger (and cooler) Club TPR, we’re sending the first few soups in paper bags.

Starting in June, when we send out my personal recipe bacon cheddar bacon and ham soup, that will go out in much nicer containers. Until then, we’re using paper lunch sack bags. Those should hold up just fine.

Question 5: Catawampus?
Answer: Yes.

Which leads me to wonder about the origins of the name. I mean, it’s safe to say that the Catawampus has nothing to do with a cat. Cats suck as a general rule, and the Catawampus is awesome. So clearly the cat part probably refers to something cooler. Like a bobcat or mountain lion, something awesome and deadly. Where does the awampus part come from? Well, I’m not sure about you but I have no freakin’ idea what an awampus is. Perhaps some sort of mutant moose? That would be cool!

So clearly that would lead us to the answer… the Catawampus is a mooing log which has mountain lion and mutant moose DNA. Hence the reason it moo’s. It’s the only logical answer.

So there you have it.  My 5 favorite questions from this week.  So go at it, ask away.  And look for this section of the site to be used a bit more often in the coming weeks and months.

-Jim

We decided to mark the occasion by being even crazier and driving back to Arizona where we got married. Long story short, it took us about 20 minutes to see our bouquet (still on a ledge in the cave, still looking like it’s a day old!) and another 12 hours to be bored out of our minds. The only excitement we got out of the stay was when the power went out overnight, and my wife woke up screaming, “I’M BLIND!”

Sherri's World

Anyway, let me get to the point of this article.

Being the crazy cave people we are, we decided to stop off at the Mitchell Caverns on our way back. It’s out in the middle of nowhere, so you should be better prepared than we were. We had half a Pepsi, a bottle of water, sunflower seeds, a pack of smokes and a gigantic box of Mike and Ikes to hold us over in case of major car issues.

Survival Kit

16 miles of unsigned road pretty much means you pick your speed. I chose 88mph, because that’s a number I like. Very symmetrical. It made for some interesting moments when we hit the dips. Anyway, the further out we got, the lonelier we were. We both began to hear banjo music and the line, “You sho got a purty mouf.” playing over and over in our head. Contemplating turning around to save our lives (and buttholes from hicks) we finally come across the entrance to the Providence Mountains State Park. Okay, we’re here, just deal with it.

The Locals.

Anyway, we got our tickets and proceeded to wait an hour until the next tour. I really don’t understand why we didn’t make the 1:30 tour at 2:30 if we were doing 88mph. I need to put the flux capacitor in the shop. AGAIN.

All the buildings were built by hand by Mr. Mitchell and his buff ass wife.

About ten minutes before the tour begins, I decide I have to drop the kids off at the pool, so I headed down to the only bathrooms within an 80 mile radius. I walked in, ready to drop one when… HOLY MOTHER OF SWEET BABY JESUS?! Right above the poop hole on the toilet sits a HUGE MOTHEREFFING MAN EATING SPIDER. Like this:

Like this.

or this:

It looked dead, therefore safe, so I screamed up to my wife, “Sherri! You gotta come see this!” She comes down and is all like, “What does this one look like, Ted Danson?”

I’m like, “No, this isn’t about my poop. Go look in the corner.” Now, she hates spiders, but was intrigued by this one. I said it was dead, so she blew on it. That’s when it reeled up like the big daddy in Arachnaphobia and says to us, “RAWR!!!!”

We both run like Japanese schoolgirls from a bus rapist, screaming expletives all the way back to the information center.

Actual re-enactment.

Anyway, the tour starts with a 1/2 mile walk to the entrance of the caverns. IT SUCKS. But when you turn that last corner, it’s completely worth it. Staring down from the mountain are two gigantic black eyes; the natural entrance to the caverns. In the left eye, you meet up with a very nice, well-groomed State Marshall that gives you the law. You can’t take anything even resembling food or water into the caverns to preserve the formations. All of this has to be left outside the gate.

Spooky?

After a few jokes and an informative speech about the entrance to the caverns, you finally make your way in to a dimly-lit passage and to a set of steel stairs.

This is where your guide parts and leaves you high and dry. Then, suddenly, this chamber opens up on you with some rather nice lighting design. Shit. We should have gotten married here. Then Oliver Stone painted primitive drawings on the walls while shooting The Doors, now nobody can do anything fun there. F**k you, Oliver Stone.

Who brings camo to a cave fight?

The caverns are considered dry, meaning there isn’t a constant source of water to build formations. But they weren’t always that way. You’ve stepped back 10,000 years into a cave filled with stalagmites, stalactites, cave coral, cave shields, and freaking octopus formations found in no other limestone cavern in the world. It’s like a mini Carlsbad Caverns. Definitely an unexpected jewel that everyone should see at least once.

Near the end of the tour, you enter this corridor that looks a lot like the queue at Indiana Jones. Except better. Here, the guide tells you that you’re standing on only about four feet of rock and/or crushed stalactites from the roof, which make up the ceiling of a massive chamber below. Here, the native indians held ceremonies because the floor F**KING BOOMED when you jumped on it. Now there’s a concrete path, so it doesn’t do that anymore, but still… freaky.

Fatass broke the hollow floor.

Cave shrooms made the Grateful Dead guy very happy.

It’s in this same room that he shuts off all the lights and puts you in pitch black. I had this done at another cavern for a full three minutes, and let me tell you, it’s worse than drinking two bottles of Jack. You lose all equilibrium and fall to the floor, you start seeing and hearing things, then your mind turns inside out and decides, “Hey, crazy is a good place to live.”

You pretty much spend two minutes inside the mind of a Santa Monica bum. Or Sherri when the power goes out. This guide does it for less than a minute, but you still get the idea.

Cave Shield Shields Cave.

Cavernous Vag.

After that, you hit the last chamber, get the story of how Oliver Stone is a monumental peanut butter and asshole sandwich, and nearly destroyed the cave for a single scene in the lamest movie ever (The Doors). Then your ass gets kicked out into blazing daylight to make the 1/2 mile hike back to your car.

I see my uncle's brother's cousin's sister's trailer from here!

One thing I didn’t mention about the hike to the caverns is the best part. Along the way, there are large rocks you can step on. When you do this, the entire ant cast of Indiana Jones and the Refrigerator Travesty comes looking to chew your ankles to the bone, leaving the rest of your stumpy ass to crawl your way to the information center before being eaten by mountain lions.

That's exactly what I wore that day!

The tour costs $5 for adults. Tours run: Weekdays at 1:30pm, Weekends and Holidays: 11:30am, 1:30pm, 3:30pm.
That’s it. Each tour is limited to 25 people, but you can make reservations.

From Southern California, take Interstate 15 North to Interstate 40 East. Drive a hell of a long way until you get to Essex Rd. Turn left onto Essex Rd. and drive approximately 16 miles to the entrance of the Providence Mountains State Park. Parking is limited, but there is a decent-sized campground a stones throw away from the visitor’s center.

View across Canal Road East. Times Square is the big building in the right of the frame.

We’re staying in a Holiday Inn Express in the Causeway Bay district of Hong Kong, which is about three districts away from Central, the meat of downtown on the northside of Hong Kong Island. Directly across the street from our hotel is Times Square, which is like a vertical shopping mall, 40 or so stories tall. We have some small markets near us, and some good little restuarants and clothes shops. In general, we have a pretty good location.

Best. Lingerie Store. Name. Ever.

Ever since I’ve landed, I’ve spent the bulk of my time just walking around the city exploring. I’m a firm believer that the best way to experience any new city is to just walk around, eat the food, and people watch. It’s also the best way to find the best bars. Ian and I spotted blablabra yesterday, just north of SOGO.

In the market across Canal Road East.

Across Canal Road East from our hotel is an awesome little street market and one of Hong Kong’s Cooked Food Centers, more or less a giant food court of little restaurants that share a giant common dining area. Once you sit down at one of the tables, you order your food and pick a beer. The beer is sold/brought to you by a girl who works for the beer company you decided to drink, and she more or less is like a second waitress for your beer exclusively. No matter what company it is, however, all the beer girls wear a uniform that is their own variation of yellow and white leather jacket/skirt combos. It’s pretty hilarious. In the market, there are a lot of butchers, seafood vendors and vegetable/fruit vendors. The seafood here is amazing. Abalone, Geoducks, Mantis prawn, all sorts of fish, live and dead, prawns jumping out of bins, lobsters and crabs crawling around, razor clams, normal clams, conch, sea snails, just everything, multiple kinds and speces and animals I’ve never even seen before let alone dreamt of eating. Most of it still alive, and all of it bright, vibrant, and insanely crazy looking. There’s pretty much nothing else to say about it except “wow.”

Delicious sea creatures.

My first day here I walked around and stumbled on Jardine’s Bazaar, a small market/restaurant street over by Victoria Park. As I walked down the street I found a pretty kickass little noodle joint that looked legit. I went inside, ordered some hand-made eggnoodles with beef brisket and shrimp wonton, and pretty much had a kick ass meal. I should also mention that this cost me about HK$40, or about $5.50.  On my way out, I read their bulletin board, which pointed out that they had been well reviewed all over the world (the reviews are under the glass on the tables too): Sunday New York Times, Fodor’s, Anthony Bourdain in A Cook’s Tour, etc. The place is called Mak’s Stingy Noodle, and it’s awesome. It’s also in wikipedia, no joke: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mak%27s_Noodle

This would not be the last kick-ass meal in Hong Kong.

The next morning Ian showed up at the hotel from his flight in from Kuala Lumpur. Yes, he did ride Supersonic Odyssey and he said it kicked ass. You’ll see pictures from there too.

Some good graf I saw over near Lockhart Rd.

I spotted this graf on my first walk around, and it sheds some light on the one main negative I have so far about this city. Hong Kong is awesome, it has a heartbeat and a pace and a feeling that’s in general pretty awesome. But with that there is a sort of super-materialistic sense that comes from all the damn money flowing through this city. You’ll notice that the skeleton in the graffiti above has a dollar sign on his skull and on his crotch. It doesn’t seem to be far from the truth, if you catch my drift. Everyone here is all about the Gucci handbags and the designer everything, even though at the same time there’s thousands of little clothing shops that are cool and funky and either non-designer or local designers trying to make their name, so with the whole big money designer thing, it’s also cool that a lot of little indie designers are carving out their corners. It’s very much all about Get Money, Get Ahead, Get A Mercedes. It’s really amazing how many people here are dressed so well, how many watch stores selling thousand dollar watches are full, how many designer stores there are in every department store all over the city. There is a lot of money here, and that makes a lot of the culture very money oriented and expensive. Not shocking considering the skyline. It looks like money grows on trees here, if not skyscrapers.

Some of the Skyline during the Symphony of Lights show. Bad picture, better will come from the DSLR later. (Yeah, that's the Batman building on the right)

That photo was taken during the Symphony of Lights laser/light show that all the big buildings in Hong Kong take part in, and you watch it from across the harbour on the Avenue of Stars. It’s cool, but nothing to write home about. Ian got some sweet shots of it, and we’ll put those up later.

Before the laser show last night, Ian and I went on a pilgrimage out to Tai Po, a suburb of Hong Kong out in the New Territories. I have to admit some nerdiness here… I went solely because I saw this BBQ place on Anthony Bourdain No Reservations. I tracked this place down, and it was awesome. Not just the food, but actually seeing a market out in a suburb that isn’t all flash and big department stores.

Tai Po Market Cooked Foods Building

Yat Lok BBQ Restuarant is in the Tai Po Market, near the Tai Po Cooked Foods Building, another one of the big restaurant malls.

Tai Po Market

This was pretty much amazing. The goose was definitely better than the pig, and by better, I mean one of the best things I’ve ever put in my mouth. Like seriously. The one catch was that nobody spoke English, there was no English menu, and we were pretty stumped until the owner showed up. He speaks English, and he hooked it up big time with some goose leg and suckling pig. Holy eff dude. This stuff was ridiculous. It was so, so, so good, and if we have more meals as good as this and Mak’s Stingy Noodle, then this is going to be the best trip ever (I’m foreseeing the answer to this proposition as yes.

Tasty BBQ.

Sweet delicious goose.

After finishing up at Yat Lok and getting some photos, we headed back into the city. Opted agains going to the horse races because apparently Ian has bad luck and a gambling problem or something. Sissy. We went back to Avenue of Stars, where the Tsimshatsui ferry let us off and took some photos and waited for the laser light show. I’ll post more pictures of that later today along with some photos from today. But it was pretty awesome, and people are not kidding when they say that the Hong Kong city skyline seen from Kowloon is one of the most amazing sights you’ll ever see. It’s crazy impressive. But I should point out that AIG has a big pretty building that’s all decofated for the light show. I call shens, my bailout tax dollars shouldn’t be paying for a stupid light show (actually, it looks pretty cool, so whatever). Here’s some more pictures from the day, and more will come later. But the basic run down here is that Hong Kong is a lot more awesome than I expected, and I had some pretty high expectations. Alright, time to head out and check this awesome city out more.

Chop that pig.

Ian and me with the owner.

Star Ferry coming to take us over to Tsimshatsui.

Bank of China building, AIG building, and the Batman Building on the right.

Peninsula Hotel, with the fisheye, Ian's shot.

Me and the skyline during the laser show from Tsim sha tsui.

Ian, with ATTITUDE, in front of the Hong Kong Center for the Arts.

Hong Kong Convention and Exhibition Center in front of the building I forget what it's called.

The awesome one with the white lights is the Bank of China Building, rainbow on the right is AIG building.

CHINA MOB.

Gloucester Rd., Wanchai, looking towards Central.

ALL-NEW “HALLOWEEN HAUNT” CASTS ITS SPELL UPON
CALIFORNIA’S GREAT AMERICA THIS OCTOBER
New event will have Northern California dying to get in with
‘13’ bone-chilling Halloween experiences beginning Oct. 3!

SANTA CLARA, Calif. –  Lightning strikes the majestic Carousel Columbia! A low lying fog begins to roll across the midways. The innocent sounds of laughter and joy turn into screams of bone-chilling terror. Hundreds of monsters roam freely searching for new blood. Consider yourself warned…there is no escaping the wrath of the all-new Halloween Haunt at California’s Great America throughout the month of October!

Every Friday, Saturday and Sunday night from 7 p.m. until midnight, Oct. 3 through Nov. 1, Halloween Haunt will beckon brave souls to take on their worst nightmares. Complete with five spine-tingling haunted mazes, four themed scare zones, one themed attraction, three head-turning live stage shows, plus the park’s collection of world-class thrill rides, Halloween Haunt promises to be Northern California’s biggest and scariest Halloween event.

“We’re excited to unleash our all-new Halloween Haunt, an event that’s so in-your-face and terrifying, it will be unlike anything Northern California has ever experienced,” said Bill Lentz, vice-president and general manager of California’s Great America. “With ‘13’ of the most terrifying experiences around, Halloween Haunt is guaranteed to make even the bravest of guests scream in sheer terror!”

Headlining Halloween Haunt are five gruesome mazes, each of which will feature a different theme. Guests can take on their worst childhood nightmares with demonic clowns and other freaks of nature at CarnEvil, dance the night and their life away at Club Blood, tour a Slaughterhouse where humans have become “dead meat,” venture through Werewolf Canyon where hunters have become the hunted and avoid a cult of evil scarecrows that lie in wait in a path of overgrown debris at CornSTALKERS. In addition, Logger’s Run, the park’s classic flume attraction will transform into Camp GonnaGetcha, a summer camp that takes on a dark, twisted side once night falls!

Click here to download your coupon for the event! (Free registration required)

So here you are… a discussion between myself and Luke… where we discuss God’s greatest gift to humanity (next to Luke and I of course)… midgets (well, mainly dwarves).

(2:54:26 PM) Luke: and what’s the water fire walk through attraction?
(2:55:37 PM) James Disney: Poseidon’s Fury
(2:55:56 PM) James Disney: I could’ve said “Dick Fart’s Revenge”
(2:56:20 PM) Luke: that would’ve been a better name
(2:58:49 PM) James Disney: I agree
(3:01:55 PM) Luke: btw, i’ve decided that i’m ok with them building the intamin banger looper
(3:02:12 PM) Luke: but only if they make a modification so there is a sweet ass extended dark ride section before the lift hill
(3:02:16 PM) Luke: that would be f*ckin badass
(3:02:34 PM) Luke: with like sweetass explosions and dwarves owning sh*t
(3:03:36 PM) Luke: not into the explosions and dwarves owning sh*t?
(3:05:16 PM) James Disney: How about exploding dwarves
(3:05:23 PM) Luke: i’m ok with that
(3:05:29 PM) James Disney: The world doesn’t have enough of that
(3:05:29 PM) Luke: but it would be better if it was like pslash mountain
(3:05:31 PM) Luke: and then coaster
(3:05:40 PM) James Disney: And exploding dwarves
(3:05:43 PM) James Disney: Full of win
(3:05:49 PM) Luke: something tells me that’s not gonna happen at disney world
(3:05:51 PM) Luke: but i wouldn’t hate it
(3:05:56 PM) James Disney: Like think of how it’d improve so many things
(3:06:01 PM) James Disney: Jungle Cruise…
(3:06:06 PM) James Disney: add kaboom dwarf
(3:06:12 PM) James Disney: Instantly 500% better
(3:06:59 PM) James Disney: I’m really stuck on this idea of little people going boom
(3:07:08 PM) James Disney: Like everything’s so much funnier when it’s a midget
(3:07:14 PM) Luke: lol
(3:07:28 PM) James Disney: Could you imagine a midget terrorist… you could never take ‘em serious
(3:07:38 PM) Luke: i could
(3:07:49 PM) Luke: i’d take em serious with a f*ckin croquet mallet
(3:07:52 PM) Luke: how fun does that sound
(3:07:57 PM) Luke: it would be like walk a mole
(3:08:00 PM) James Disney: YES!
(3:08:04 PM) Luke: but croquet a midget
(3:08:05 PM) James Disney: I do that anyways
(3:08:15 PM) James Disney: carry sticks around just to poke ‘em in the head
(3:08:20 PM) James Disney: their big ugly heads
(3:08:23 PM) Luke: nono, i mean the mallet end
(3:08:27 PM) James Disney: But that is cooler
(3:08:31 PM) Luke: yeah
(3:08:36 PM) Luke: or imagine something even more badass
(3:08:43 PM) Luke: like using them as trebuchet fodder
(3:09:16 PM) James Disney: Dude… tie ‘em together… like string 4 or 5 together… add trebuchet… instant hilarity
(3:09:21 PM) Luke: word
(3:09:29 PM) Luke: especially if the trebuchet breaks and just points down
(3:09:36 PM) Luke: and they whip around and just smack the grass
(3:09:45 PM) James Disney: YES
(3:09:52 PM) James Disney: lol, oh god, I nearly just sh*t
(3:09:58 PM) Luke: like they’re all wearing helmets and goggles and wings and sh*t like they’re going to fly away
(3:09:59 PM) Luke: and then
(3:10:01 PM) Luke: GROUNDSMACK
(3:10:03 PM) James Disney: Just imagine the “THWOP” sound
(3:10:12 PM) Luke: this could be a new band
(3:10:15 PM) Luke: GROUNDSMACK
(3:10:21 PM) James Disney: Trebuchet Midgets?
(3:10:56 PM) James Disney: I wonder if they’d bounce…

Yes… pure magic. On to other stories and boobs…

So Hurricane Ike rolled through and did some damage to Texas.  I’d like to thank Tina Turner for staying away from Houston or the damage would’ve probably been infinitely worse.  As is these poor fish got totally boned by the storm!

Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator

So okay… I know that’s a picture of Tina Fey… but let’s face facts: Tina Fey is hotter than Sarah Palin.  There will be no further discussion on the subject.  Moving on!

Megan Fox… in GQ… all you need to know: “Teenage Lesbian Crush”

So yes, apparently in her late teens Megan Fox fell in love with a Russian stripper… a FEMALE Russian stripper.  Yes, she even made attempts to try and woo the object of her desire… alas, the love was unrequited.  Regardless of all this… that sound you just heard was the collective sound of millions of men getting boners at even the idea of Megan Fox bein’ all gay on another chick.  See, when she does it… it’s hot cause she wanted a stripper.  When Lindsay Lohan does it… it’s with some fug-ass chick who looks like a dude.  Advantage Megan Fox.

The world needs more Marissa Miller

Marissa Miller is hot… like, not just hot… but like so hot, kissing her is like trying to kiss lava.  You’ll die… you will f*cking burst into flames and f*cking die.  I sh*t you not.  Look at that picture and tell me you didn’t get at least a little tingly in the shorts.  (Remember, if you answer no: YOU’RE GAY!  Sorry, I know that probably feels awkward… but it’ll be really awkward when you have to tell your parents and friends.)

Mila Kunis (this one’s for Luke)

So Luke is obsessed with Mila Kunis.  You may ask yourself “With women like Marissa Miller in this world is there really a need for Mila Kunis?”  In Luke’s world the answer is yes.  My world… I’m just looking for the perfect ham and cheese sandwich… and a midget willing to be part of a trebuchet experiment… and Marissa Miller.  Luke… he’s more concerned with playing tag with waves (yes… it is what it sounds like), eating a well made burrito… and Mila Kunis.  So enjoy…

Well… hopefully I’ve managed to waste a few minutes of your time… and I hope you enjoyed it…

-J

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]]> http://www.westcoaster.net/blog/2008/09/trebuchet-midgets/feed/ 0 http://www.westcoaster.net/blog/2008/09/the-cars-that-go-boom-and-boobs/ http://www.westcoaster.net/blog/2008/09/the-cars-that-go-boom-and-boobs/#comments Wed, 10 Sep 2008 07:00:53 +0000 James Disney http://www.westcoaster.net/blog/?p=51 So if you’re reading this… it means the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland hasn’t blown us to all unholy hell by forming a black hole that swallows the Earth.  However, I have to admit, the prospect of that happening is almost kinda exciting.  Just one of those morbid curiosities… what would it be like to be sucked into oblivion?  Alas, that’s a quandry I’d much rather leave up to Scarlett Johansson, Hayden Panettiere or Bar Rafaeli than have a Black Hole kill me.  That said… let’s look at interesting things!

Lance Armstrong coming out of retirement

Now… I’m not sure how I feel about this.  The cycling fan in me would love to see Lance come back and wreck the competition… but the cycling fan in me enjoys the constant chaos of the Tour de France since he’s retired.  But the biggest question in this whole thing is… who’s gonna be the man-whore of Hollywood if he goes back to full time competition.

Apple Releases iTunes 8, announces other stuff…

So in a rather disappointing announcement full of well… a lack of excitement and a very gaunt looking Steve Jobs (would someone convince him that a cheeseburger wouldn’t hurt?)… they announced an updated iPod Touch, iPhone software version 2.1, a new iPod Nano… and iTunes 8.  Yeah, pretty boring.  iTunes 8 does have some bitchin’ new visualizers though!  Here’s a look… (click the images for a larger view)

As you can see they’re all nice and fluffy and will gladly hold the door open for your mom when she’s walking into a store!  So polite!

Say hello to Bar Rafaeli… she is stupid hot…

Bar Rafaeli is hot.  Really… is there anything else to say about it?  This is the kind of hot that will cure cancer… I think… I’m pretty certain she can cure erectile dysfunction!

Hayden makes sure her boobs are still there…

Seriously… it’s a god damn shame when a busy star like Hayden Panettiere has to check and make sure that her own boobs are in the right place.  What kind of world is this when she can’t even get help from some pathetic underling to make sure she’s well adjusted and not missing any parts.  I would like to volunteer to make sure that this doesn’t happen again… I’m just nice like that.  Why?  Because I care.

So there you have it… another week full of love, random things… and possibly some stuff.  Tune in again next week when we show you all the other horrors happening in this world… and probably some boobs.

]]> http://www.westcoaster.net/blog/2008/09/the-cars-that-go-boom-and-boobs/feed/ 0 http://www.westcoaster.net/blog/2008/08/flippin-chipmunk-and-pegasus-for-sale/ http://www.westcoaster.net/blog/2008/08/flippin-chipmunk-and-pegasus-for-sale/#comments Wed, 20 Aug 2008 07:00:43 +0000 James Disney http://www.westcoaster.net/blog/?p=43 Welcome to this week’s edition of random stuff to read and stuff to stare at… this time we take a long and interesting look at the world of competitive idiots, the mating cycle of gnats and hell… I dunno.  Just read, click the links and enjoy the stories…

Kid quits high school to work on Guitar Hero career…

So where to start?  Basically, this 16 year old kid has become exactly what South Park was parodying!  Never mind that the time he spends playing his plastic piece of crap, he could probably learn something actually useful in this world.  Rather, he’ll try to make money off a game that will never pay off in any meaningful way in the long run.  Hopefully he’ll end up working at McDonalds soon.  I can’t wait for that day.

Coolest Mr. Rogers video EVER!  I mean, the guy was creepy to begin with.  Any grown man that plays with finger puppets like that (and doesn’t work for Henson) is just a closeted child molester.  I’m pretty convinced of it.  Today is the beginning of the end for me… I just called Mr. Rogers a child molester I think.

Isla Fisher prancing on a beach in a swimsuit…

Have you seen Wedding Crashers?  If you have… tell me there wasn’t something crazy awesome about her character in that movie, if you say no, you’re gay.  Period.  Okay, so she was completely psycho… but psycho in a hot way.  Awesome.  The world needs more hot redheaded nyphos… end of story.  I’m pretty certain it’d bring peace to the middle east.

Kristen Bell hangs out on the beach in a bikini, the gods are smiling on us!

I don’t know about you… but Heroes really is a great show.  Mainly because it has Hayden Panetteire and Kristen Bell on it.  Now I’m not sure what it’s going to take for the producers of the show to realize that the best thing they could ever do to further the story would be to have a lesbian orgy with Kristen Bell, Hayden Panettiere, and Ali Larter, y’know… for the story.  I think most stories would benefit from such things actually.  Take Hamlet for instance… just throw a lesbo orgy in there and BAM… story’s 1500% better at least.  Who needs prose and all that fruity talkin’?

Click the image for the larger view…

Someone actually posted this to Craigslist.  I’m not big on Craigslist to be honest.  I don’t have much need for used imaginary animals and don’t need a casual encounter with a 6′4″ tranny.  So what use is it?  I mean, you can buy tons of used crap there… parooze the personals… but if we’ve lost it to the point of putting a pegasus up for adoption, I mean come on!

Shawn Johnson attempts to steal Alicia Sacramone’s soul…

There are a few things during the Olympics that really bother me.  First… “women’s gymnastics”… the fact of the matter is, it’s little girls.  For instance, Shawn Johnson… she’s like 16, and a midget.  It’s a horrible day when I have to sit there and wonder about whether or not I have to feel like a dirty old man for perving on this girl or that girl.  As such, I’d prefer they be 18 to compete in the Olympics.  Less confusion and less guilt for all!

Second… while everyone has their suspicions about the Chinese team and the fact that they’re like 14 years old.  I personally have my suspicions about Shawn Johnson.  While she seems like a nice girl… there’s a bit of a problem.  Am I the only person that thinks she’s a chipmunk in disguise?  Perhaps some sort of mutant half-breed of human and chipmunk?  There’s one easy way to find out of course… hold up an acorn while she’s performing.  If she runs over, grabs it from you and runs away after stuffing it in her mouth… she’s a chipmunk.  So not only should the girls be at least 18, but I think it’s the responsible thing as a nation to make sure we’re not sending any rodents to the Olympics as well.

Alicia Sacramone knocking a dude the eff out!  USA! USA! USA!

Well, that’s it for the week… I’ll end this one with a picture of Alicia Sacramone… the hottest gymnast who repeatedly fell on her ass.

]]> http://www.westcoaster.net/blog/2008/08/flippin-chipmunk-and-pegasus-for-sale/feed/ 0 http://www.westcoaster.net/blog/2008/08/crap-balloons-and-misty-mays-butt/ http://www.westcoaster.net/blog/2008/08/crap-balloons-and-misty-mays-butt/#comments Wed, 13 Aug 2008 07:00:49 +0000 James Disney http://www.westcoaster.net/blog/?p=36 Congrats… it’s the middle of the week and you’ve managed to not kill anyone… you haven’t run down the middle of the street wearing only a sock while screaming “I’M A DIRTY GIRL DADDY!!” (or have you?).

So what does this mean to you?  You’re probably sitting there wondering what the hell this post is about… why you’re reading it… and probably to a larger extent, wondering why you’re still reading Westcoaster after all this time.  Well, here’s what it means for you: a new feature full of love, passion and mystery.  Or maybe just a random blog posting each week to show you all the random things you should be reading, staring at, buying, etc.  It’s the Wednesday Web Roundup!

Ready?  Well… probably not, but here we go anyway!

Giant Dog Turd Damages Orphanage!

I, for one, can and never will get enough stories about massive feces wrecking homes and people’s lives.  I’m sick of natural disasters like rivers overflowing their banks… I mean… it’s water.  We bathe in water… water’s kind of a weak way to go.  If water comes at you… you swim.  But if a 50 ton ball of crap slams into your house… now that’s life altering… you can’t swim in sh*t.

Mugger Dressed As Winnie The Pooh Caught

Man Catches 3000lb Stingray!

If there was any question about whether or not they are trying to take over… this is the proof! First they take out Steve Irwin… then that lady on a boat.  That’s it humanity… it’s time to declare war on Stingrays!

Retards Get Upset At Tropic Thunder

How To Make A Baptism Awesome by Joss Stone

I’ve decided something after reading the Joss Stone story… there is a very sad lack of head butting in our culture.  In other countries it’s practically a way of saying “Hi, how are you today… I love you.”  But here in the United States, we’re really kinda lame like that.  We insist on firm hand shakes, pats on the back, man hugs and just general fruity ways of expressing ourselves.  I propose that we change the standard method of greeting one another from a hand shake to a skull distorting head butt.  Imagine walking up to your grandma and clockin’ her one so hard that she falls on her ass, out cold.  Hell, if she can’t take it maybe she’s not the kind of person you should associate with… just sayin’.  Why live life associating with pansies… it’ll only bring you down.

This next link basically gave me an excuse to post this picture… you’re welcome.

Hayden Panettiere’s Dad Arrested

The Olympics Are Going On

In one of the more Presidential things we’ve seen him do, here’s President Bush um… gesturing at Misty May-Treanor’s ass.  I’m personally just glad this photo didn’t involve the “Womens” (read: little girls) gymnastics team.  Replace Misty May with a 16 year old girl and the photo suddenly gets much, much creepier!  USA USA USA!

Last but not least… a really, really addicting game

Well, that’s it for this week… hope this distracted you from your responsibilities long enough to forget that it’s only Wednesday!  Check back next week for more fun!

-J

So being that we’re all gluttons for punishment… let’s take you through the process!  It started that day with me brainstorming about what we’d include, what wouldn’t be included.  A new idea about the structure and how the site works.  And of course… a color pallette…

The original swatch

We vetted out different systems for the backend but ended up deciding that if it ain’t broke… we’ll try to break it.  Thankfully, despite our best efforts, all the engines that run the site wouldn’t break.  Rather, we just added to them and of course, as you’re reading now… we’ve added a blog system!  Soon we started working on layout concepts and from early on, you’ll see that we basically landed straight on the idea that you see now…

Andrew’s first concept for WC7

One of the first looks where the site started to look as it does now…

Once we decided on the tree concept… we started adding other things to the logo

Then it was buildings…

And then… on February 14th… we had a winner…

What happened from there… well… we wrestled with trying to fit that over a Joomla backend!  Good luck to those of you who actually have the patience to make that software work for you.  Lord knows I didn’t have the time or patience to try and make that one work!  It is a fine piece of work when it comes to content management.  Unfortunately the way it’s set up and the way this site is set up… well, sometimes things just don’t and won’t work together.

So being that the site was in good shape, we weren’t in any rush to finish things.  Andrew, Ian and I all have families and other things that keep us from spending every waking moment working on the website.  So I set out and made a big list of “here’s what I want” and sent it to Ian… who, god bless him has always been willing to help me out with my hair-brained ideas.  For those that don’t know, Ian is really our man behind the curtain who makes everything go.  If you’ve ever read one of our updates, and now watch our videos, read the front page… you have him to thank.  Basically… what happens to make this site go… well it’s something like this:

1. I get a hair-brained idea and send Andrew a note…
2. Andrew comes up with something pretty based on my stupidity…
3. I then send Ian an e-mail saying “Is this possible or am I an idiot”…
4. Ian sends me an answer one way or another…
5. SEXY PARTY!

Okay, maybe there’s no sexy party… but you get the idea.  For the last 8 years or so now, Andrew, Ian and I have made a good team when it comes to bringing a good looking site to all of you so you can enjoy the articles over the years (not much recently, but that’s changing), and of course… the updates that Dan and I have been bringing you on a near weekly basis.  More recently we’ve had a lot of participation from our readers too… some of the site staff have contributed updates as well, and will be doing more of them now that we’ve changed the structure of how updates happen!

So thank you to Albert, Amy, Andrew, Eric, Ian, Luke, Matt, Wes, Ian Clark (of Theme Park Photography) and of course, my right hand man; Dan… these are the people who put up with my silly ideas and for some strange reason still come around when I ask for their help.  Without them, Westcoaster wouldn’t be what it is today.

So welcome to Westcoaster Version 7… so brazen it punched a nun in the vag!

-Jim

Yet this past Sunday morning, that’s sort of kinda maybe exactly what Disneyland’s Security staff did. They closely monitored Dave’s every move as he strolled down Main Street U.S.A. in his usual slight stupor from drinking one too many Mimosas for breakfast.

As you might imagine, Dave found this treatment somewhat unnerving, but also slightly erotic. Which is why he finally decided to approach the officer who was following him and ask him what the problem might be. At which the officer merely replied, “Hello Dave.” in an unsettling calm voice that seemed inhuman. The next thing he knew, Dave was aggressively interrogated by this Disneyland Security host with a bent pickle and spork for his “suspicious activity.”

And what exactly was this ’suspicious activity’ you ask? Well, I’m glad you asked. And it wasn’t me, because why would I make up things? Really? Dave was just jotting down some notes on a Hello Kitty clipboard. This was in preparation for a free illegal tour of the theme park that he’d be giving to some of his readers later that afternoon. Three enormously fat ladies who smelled like bacon grease… which always made Dave a little hungry for the chubs.

Now let me stress here that absolutely no money changed hands between Dave and the people that he brought back into the park with him. That this tour was completely free. It was something that Dave had offered as a special “bite me” to all those folks who come out to attend his ass & boob signing at Downtown Disney’s Compass Books this past Sunday afternoon.

More to the point, we aren’t actually talking about a whole lot of people here. Just nine loyal readers of Dave’s Disneyland porno books joined him on this tour. Folks who driven down to Anaheim from as far away as Afghanistan. Do you know how hard it is to get an ‘83 Toyota Tercel with wooden wheels to float? How hard it is to keep from flooding the donkey under the hood? Just so they could spend some time with their favorite author as he pointed out the 1955-era missile silos that you can still find inside this fabled family fun park. Is that too much to ask? I mean GOD! He’s like, a total celebrity!

But almost from the moment that Dave led this pleasant group of people back into the “Happiest Place on Earth,” he felt like the Mouse’s eyes were on him. That his every move was being watched. By Matt Damon no less. With a sniper rifle. Who doesn’t really know who he is because he’s the sole remnant of a government brainwashing program to create super assassins that got way out of hand. If only he knew how right he was.

And — sure enough — Dave’s instincts proved to be correct. His tour group had barely made into Town Square when Dave suddenly found the Assistant Assassinator of Assassinations at his elbow. Right there in front of the fire station, another brutal interrogation began.

This woman got right to the point. She said that she had heard that Dave was charging guests for an unauthorized tour of Disneyland.

Dave explained politely that — while this “walk & talk” may have been an unauthorized breach of national security — no money had actually changed hands. That this was just a free illegal tour of the theme park that he was giving to a few of his loyal readers. People he considered his friends. But really weren’t friends. They were just using him, which I think Dave knew in his heart was true. But he’d never had many friends, so he liked to pretend.

This woman didn’t believe his pile of steaming monkey loafs. Which is why she then began to quiz each individual member of Dave’s tour group, asking them: “What did you pay for this tour? What did you pay? And you? Where did you get that purse? It’s adorable! I love how it accents your eyes. But you should really try the Aqua Breeze tinted eyeliner. That black stuff make you look like a total slut.”

When everyone there indicated that they hadn’t actually paid anything but their personal pride for this tour, the Assistant Assassin of Assassinating Assassinators then tried another tactic. Pointing to the 1955-era Disneyland maps that each of the tour members were holding, she said: “Well, what about those? Did he make you pay for those maps? What about the Cheeto stains? Were those extra?”

Again, the members of Dave’s tour group said that — no — that they hadn’t paid Dave anything for the maps. That the author has just given them away to his readers as a special souvenir of that afternoon’s ass and boob signing at Compass Books. Dave’s a total rock star.

These answers clearly frustrated the Assistant Assassinating Assassinator of Assassinating Assassniations. Who was looking for some reason — ANY reason — to quickly shut down this tour and force Dave to exit the theme park in an amazingly dramatic manner that’d even make Jim Carrey cringe.

But Dave (unlike a certain other Disney webmaster I could mention… namely ME) had actually played by Disneyland’s rules. You know, except for that whole “Unauthorized Tour” hogwash. Which is why it was hard to see what Dave was doing this past Sunday afternoon as being in direct competition with what Disney does. Which it still is. Free tours pull business away from a Disney counterpart, thus stealing revenue away from the official tour programs. But this was totally uncalled for as we’re passholders, and Dave’s 21st amendment rights to repealed liquor prohibition were clearly being violated!

Which is why Dave tried to reason with this woman, using a little humor in his attempt to cajole her. But the Assistant Assassinator of Assisting Assassinations would have none of the puppet show, Whoopi Goldberg impersonations, or even full-strip pole dancing. She was clearly a very finely-trained professional. I bet she even went through Navy SEAL training. She was kinda buff… in a totally hot way. Dave likes to be bossed around by butch women.

The way she saw it, Dave was stealing from the Walt Disney Company. Right there in front of his tour group, she likened what David was doing to ” … setting up your own adult shop complete with gloryholes and peepshows inside our theme park. Which then prevents Disney from being able to sell our own gloryhole and peepshow time slots.” (of course, I’m paraphrasing.)

Dave tried to explain that the tour that he was giving was significantly different than the tours that Disneyland Guest Relations gives. That his tour was actually based on the stories that Dave had told in his “Sordid Stories of Universal Studios Hollywood” books. He then recanted a story about how Clark Gable once took Rudolph Valentino “backstage”, if you know what he meant…

Again, the Assassinating Assistant of Assassinating Matt Damon’s Ass wouldn’t hear of it. Dave’s tour was cutting into that theme parks ability to sell its own tours, plain & simple. Which is why — after taking down his annual pass info and forcibly groping his ass — this woman hurried away. Clearly disappointed that she hadn’t found a way to legally shut him down. Dave had won a small victory for all webmasters running illegal tours of private property all over the world! Praise Dave! Dave for President!

The rest of the tour continued without incident. Well, except for when the fat lady mistook a small child for a ham and cheese hoagie. Though — given his unpleasant encounters with that Disneyland Security Host as well as the Assistant Assassinating Assassination Assassinator of Asses of the park — Dave told me yesterday that he doubted that he’d ever offer another walking tour of that theme park to his readers, as he threw up his hands and squealed like a girl. It was just too emotionally traumatic. He could never look at his 500 plush Mickey Mouse dolls and get sexually aroused ever again. Disney had taken his only joy in life away: making love to a small pile of Disney memorabilia.

Which ticks me off. Why for art thou et tu, Brute? Well — me personally — I was actually looking forward to making love to Dave’s small pile of Disney memorabilia someday. So that I could then hear how his moaning and groaning compared to my own meek little squeals and squeeks when I make love to my pin collection.

But — more than that — I’m disappointed. Given all the negative publicity that the Walt Disney Company received last month after Disneyland Security booted me out of that same theme park for giving a totally unauthorized military-style tour, I was kind of hoping that the Mouse would have learned its lesson by now. Don’t f**k with passholders. We are direct descendents of the Archangel Michael, and we shall reign fire and brimstone upon your 50th Anniversary should we not get absolutely every little thing our way. At the very least, we’ll stage a large “conniption fit” at the front gates.

After all, when people begin writing stories that have headlines like “When A Company Can’t Get It Up” and “Bat Boy Marries Frankengirl” … Well, you know that you have to be doing something wrong. And we all know much better than the rest of you business-types who wear expensive suits and talk with your fancy haut-te-taut Harvard speak. We should be allowed to ride your coat-tails for monetary gain or notariety. I should totally be able to peddle my wares on your streets. It’s my constitutional right to keep and arm bears, damnit!

But here’s Disney going down just as hard — if not harder — on Dave. Why didn’t they go down that hard on me? Am I not as beautiful as Dave? Did I not perform fellatio right? Was it because I was too willing to take it in the pooper? I’m such a slut…

I don’t know about you folks. But the news that Mickey seems to be continuing its crackdown on authors who don’t necessarily toe the official Disney party line, telling only the stories that the Mouse wants to have told … well, that makes me happy that I chose to discontinue my own on-property tours (of my complete and absolute own volition) and offer instead these very same stories on CD form like a little pansy. And don’t forget about the iPod versions! Festulio has acquired four nuclear reactors from the former Soviet Union, and we should be nearly ready to begin hand-encoding the billions of bits that are sure to go into the exhausting task of ripping the tour to mp3!

Speaking of which, Festulio and I have begun taking names for notification when the CD and UNBELIEVEABLE MAGIC IPOD versions are available. This way, we have someone to blame when Disneyland starts banning CD players and iPods at the gate, and we have a list of people to warn when the witch hunting party lets loose with their pitchforks and torches.

Anyway … Getting back to Dave. It truly ticks me off that Disneyland Security & Guest Relations went out of their way to make life difficult this past Sunday afternoon for my friend, colleague, and canasta buddy. After all, anyone who’s actually read any of Dave’s books or watched his homemade Disney memorabilia softcore porn knows what a fan of the Mouse Dave is.

Of course, if Disneyland persists in doing this (I.E. Clumsily attempting to silence those of us who try to tell stories about the Anaheim theme park that don’t appear in the official company histories) one can’t help but think that the mainstream press is eventually going to stop laughing at me and start paying much closer attention to this story. Wondering what it is exactly that the Mouse is trying so hard to hide. We are patriots. We are fighting a battle that must me won. I’m like Mel Gibson in Braveheart, and Dave is like Patrick Swayze in Red Dawn. We are so totally righteous, it hurts my balls. We could easily fight terrorism, world hunger, disease, or our addiction to masturbation… but we know that the true battle for humanity comes from freedom of information. Freedom of information that Walt once SMOKED (OMG, that is soooo incomprehensible!), or that Paul Pressler once made Minnie fart in his mouth.

Either way, I think that Disneyland’s PR (Pretty Rad) department is in for a pretty tough week. As it tries to come up with a somewhat sensible explanation as to why Disneyland Security felt that it had to come down so hard on Dave this past Sunday, and why they keep focusing attention on two OUTRAGEOUS DRAMA QUEENS. They’ve called down the fire of the Gods, and now they’re gonna get it! I mean, shutting us down was so much worse than crashing planes into buildings, or calling our President a city slicker. You can’t take it back, and there’s gonna be repercussions! Hallelujah, praise ME!

All because Walter Koenig’s slightly less talented brother (not by relation) Dave committed that unforgivable crime. Which was walking around a theme park, in a burka with a Hell’s Angels patch on the back… and inexplicably fondling his balls.

Your thoughts? (as long as they totally and completely mesh with mine, I will allow them to be viewed by the masses who yearn for the truth about a company they really have no f**king say in…)

-Drew

Well, folks, these are very interesting and stinky, slightly uncomfortable times. At least for me.

I mean, over the past five days, my cell phone hasn’t stopped ringing. I’ve received literally tens of calls from media, friends and family, even a BIG TIME newspaper man from Kansas City who is willing to give me the exclusive rights to 12-issues of his fine publication for only $52.99 a year!
Oh and the e-mail … My in-box has been crammed to the quarter mark with such wonderful and inspirational notes. Westcoaster readers writing in to express their dumbfounded outrage, offer their undying support, asking me when I’m going to do another issue of Ask Andy. I’ve… I mean they’ve even had ideas to stage a sit-in at Disneyland in the old 1960’s style of civil disobedience. Just for the record, that is a terribly (great) bad idea. Disneyland security is known for shooting hippie protesters on sight and swallowing their souls for induction into the great armies of Satan. But I’m not sore. I swear. And you can’t make this stuff up, folks.

I’ve also had a couple of quadbrillion-jillion-fuhfillion requests from people who want me to give them head (I mean a heads up) when the CD version of my “Andy’s Totally Unsanctioned and Illegal Bastardization of Disneyland Tour” becomes available. They want to hear the stories that Disneyland Security thought were too racy, rude, X-rated, or nude to be told in public. (And yes, all you iPod users out there, your message has come through as a deafening cry for truth, justice, and the American way. Rastulio and I will definitely look into THE COMPLETELY INSURMOUNTABLE TASK of prepping an iPod-friendly version of the tour. We’re both a little too lazy to lift a finger and click, “Encode.”)

And all of this because those three women got confused, hungry, and possibly sexually assaulted with a churro. <OW>

About that; A number of Westcoaster readers have written in, wondering how the freakin’ hell that ever could have happened. To be honest, this innocent misunderstanding was more than partly the fault of a poor educational system, the rampant corruption in Washington, and the wholesale hijacking of the United States Supreme Court by big, stinky, pro-Disney judges.

To explain: When people sign up for a Westcoaster tour, they’re told to show up to a nondescript dumpster on Harbor and Ball Rd. at precisely 0500 hours with black face paint, a stocking cap, and at least 50 feet of nylon rope with essential climbing gear.

Well, as I sat at the totally nondescript dumpster on Harbor and Ball Rd., all but two of my tour bookings had shown up. Thinking that they may be in the Taco Bell bathroom dropping a brick, I decided to play nice and wait for them until 0530 hours.

So 0530 arrives and I’m still short three people for my afternoon tour. Meaning that three individuals (who I won’t name here) who had actually signed up for the 0500 Saturday tour had yet to show up. But I already said that. I just want to re-iterate: 3 PEOPLE HAD YET TO SHOW UP. There. Now you know.

So I figured that I’d just hold in the area for a while. I began telling the story about how Disneyland actually came to be right there in the dumpster, with the hope that my three no-shows would eventually pinch one off and get their asses out there. Oh, did I say three? I meant two. I think that’s what I said earlier. Oh well. I forget. Three. No wait, two.

So 0500 becomes 0515. Which becomes 0530. Which becomes 0bout5:45. And — since I’m about to run out of related stories — I’m getting ready to move my 0500 tour group out of the dumpster and into the wall climbing portion of the tour … When who appears at my incredibly sexy and toned elbow but three totally hot, luscious, and horny ladies.

The coy and teasing blonde of the group asks: “Is this the tour, you big, sexy, hottie hottie hot hott hunk of a man?”

I’m in mid-fap when these women come up to me. Rather than stop my fapping and formally check them out, I say: “Yes, it is. We’ve been waiting on your unbelievably firm asses. Welcome!” Then plunge right back into my fapping.

The three (incredibly supple, big -breasted, and possibly hopelessly bisexual) ladies then proceed to follow along with the rest of the Westcoaster tour group. They listen attentively to my stories, laugh in all the right places, especially at the joke about my penis being caught in the car door. Generally, they seem to be having a super happy mega fun time.

Of course, there were warning signs that things weren’t quite kosher. Like when the older one of the group complained that she was being cut by the barbed wire while climbing the Disneyland fence, or when the other girl asked why they “call the little loopy thing a beaner.”

Of course, I ignored all the BIG BLARING SIGNS and went on with my fapping.

But it wasn’t until the very end of the tour (around 0645) that the diminutive, seductive, and luscious blonde licked her lips slowly and pulled the “Walk in Walt’s Footsteps” brochure out of her blouse and said: “But I thought that we were supposed to see Club 33 on this tour …”

Immediately realizing what had happened, I robbed the women of their $15, clubbed them over the head with a tactical baton I had tucked in my camouflage backpack, and proceeded to sexually violate them with a used churro I had found on the ground.

I then directed the three ladies back to Knott’s, where I told them to speak with the park’s Guest Relations staff… who (I was sure) wouldn’t know WTF was going on and call the cops on these three crazy bimbos.

What I hadn’t counted on was that (and this info comes straight from an unnamed staffer who may or may not have been working at City Hall when these three ladies put all three of their brain cells together and actually went to City Hall instead of Knott’s.) was that the park’s tour staff was quite unsympathetic to the women’s complaints. Unnamed source says that they publicly ridiculed the trio before a stale piece of churro fell out of one girl’s pants. Then they knew it was serious.

Sensing that they were losing this battle, the older chick began to complain quite loudly: “But the man who was leading the tour. He was so mean, and he made us climb the fence. Then he made me make out with him as I called him Uncle Mickey. He called Walt a one-legged pansy who couldn’t draw his way out of a lotto! Do you want such a mean (but brazenly sexy) man telling such horrible stories about fornication on the Peoplemover?”

You see what was going on here, folks? It wasn’t so much that the stories that I was telling were actually all that offensive. Or the climbing of the fence. Or the tactical hand signs I had to teach each person. Or even the fact that I referred to numerous cast members as ‘Charlie.’ It was that these three stupid broads wanted their money/tour/virginity back, so they made up such horrible, awful, no good stories about me. I swear, that infant had that punch coming.

So Guest Relations calls Security. You all know the rest. But I’m still going to go on about this for another few pages, just so I can totally contradict myself some more, leaving you not knowing what the hell I’m talking about.

Now the PR department will tell you that the reason that my tour got shut down was because I was an outside vendor on private property giving an unauthorized tour with military-style automatic assault rifles and stacks of used nuclear fuel rods. And I’m not going to dispute that point. Why? Because the Mouse is right. But those weren’t Korean kids I gave those fuel rods to. They were Chinese. There’s a big difference.

But that being said, I’m still somewhat bothered by the way this whole thing went down. Like the very first thing that the head CSI investigator from Disney Security (this sweet, grandfatherly-looking guy in full BDSM gear) said to me: “We hear that you’ve trained with Chuck Norris. Is this true?”

And then there was the Mouse’s decision to hijack my afternoon tour group. As in: Stop my 0500 tour after only 20 minutes in full burka gear and plastic butterknives, then take these people off on an “Indoctrination into Satan’s Grand Army” tour instead. The terrorists have won, folks. Time to bend over and kis our asses goodbye.

Now some people will tell you that this was just good guest service. But me … I can’t help but think that this was Mickey’s way of trying to get these people to forget any of the climbing, neck snapping, full frontal nudity they’d seen and go on with their hunky-dory impression of the Happiest Place on Earth. It’s a gigantic conspiracy to sully my good name. But I’m not mad at Disney. Nope, no-siree Bob.

But allow me to totally contradict myself here… it’s really hard for me to complain. Given that all of the publicity that’s resulted from the ham-handed way that Disneyland Security handled this whole incident has resulted in enormous traffic for Westcoaster. People are clamoring to meet the guy who was blocked of his 1st, 3rd, and possibly 14th Amendment rights. SUFFRAGE! SUFFRAGE! Let the women and the minorities vote, Disney!

At least, that’s what my imaginary friends over at WDI, WDFA, AARP, and MILF are telling me. Perhaps it was one totally unnamed but totally not made up Imagineer who best summed up this whole silly situation by saying:

Didn’t these people pay attention to what happened to you in Philadelphia last year? Disney kept you from covering the shareholders meeting in the nude with only a Fleshlight covering your penis. And (as a result) you wound up on CNN, MSNBC, and ebaumsworld.

Now they kick you out of Disneyland. And, as a direct result, you land in the media spotlight again.

It’s like you’re becoming the Disneyana equivalent of Jesus Christ, Andrew. You the maaaaad dope martyr type dude, dude!”

Maybe you should have that put on your license plate instead of that, “I brake for food” thing.

But I don’t know about that. I’m not really a “delusion of grandeur” kind of guy. Most mornings, I’m lucky if I can look in the mirror without seeing me as more like Gandhi, or Oprah Winfrey.

Here’s where I insert a bland paragraph of un-funny self-depricating humor to convince you all that I’m not egotistical.

But thanks to me, all you other guys offering unsanctioned tours of Disneyland are all up sh*t creek without a paddle. Take that, you so-not-cool-like-me Disney geeks!

And I’m also kind of embarrassed for the director of Mean Anti-Andrew Propaganda at the Disneyland Resort. Who (in response to repeated media inquiries about what had happened to me this past weekend) was forced to issue the following statement:

The Disneyland Resort retains the right to expel from it’s property individuals dealing in the trafficking of human corpses, imitation churros, or hardcore spank.

As I said earlier in this article, I’m not mad at Disney, but I did find fault in the way they handled the incident. Security didn’t have to RIP ALL MY CLOTHES OFF AND PUNCH ME IN THE BALLS. They may or may not have RAPED MY ELDERLY GRANDMOTHER WITH A TELEPHONE POLE. They may or may not have SUMMONED THE DARK LORD SAURON TO RULE OVER ALL IN THE LAND. They didn’t have to REPEATEDLY TOSS BABIES OVER THE WALL INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC ON HARBOR. But no, I harbor no hard feelings. Not a bit…

So — just to recap here:

1) No, I’m not mad at Disneyland Security for doing what they did to me. The people I talked to this past weekend were super dooper polite. No hard feelings at all. They were in the right.

2) I’m so f**king pissed at Disney. They didn’t have to call me a whole slew of racist names and defile a photograph of my girlfriend to make me learn my lesson. I hope they all burn in Hell after I’m done suing them for treating me like a normal human being and not the super Disney God that I am. I’m so pissed!

3) I’m totally not mad at them. Everything was handled with the velvet glove of professionalism, and they made the whole experience so much better by treating me to warm, fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies and milk.

4) Their cookies and milk totally sucked! They can’t even get good criminal service right!

So that’s the total skinny on what went down. Next week, I get kicked out of Wal Mart for accosting stuffed animals with a bicycle tire.

Until then…

Drew

Most of you today know Westcoaster only as it is, and what it was shortly before we launched version 6. What you probably don’t know is how Westcoaster came to be, or how this talented, beautiful, big-wienered… and egotistical group of individuals managed to gather in one place for so long.

It started with idle chatter on a messageboard that’s long since gone dormant. Goose’s Realm of Insanity sat on a quiet corner of the internets somewhere. It was mainly a forum for the discussion of Six Flags Magic Mountain, and sporadically brought up conversation about other Southern California theme parks.
This is where I met Jim and Dan. How we met I don’t exactly remember. But I do remember that when Jim had an idea to launch a coaster club for the region, I wanted to be on board. But all I knew how to do was video. So I threw together a 30 second promo for the club and showed it to him. He promptly stuck a gun in my back (at least I hope it was a gun) and brought me on board.

Soon enough the Southern California Coaster Club had failed. It wasn’t for lack of trying, it was for lack of money. We had set our hopes a little high, only to fall short on the simple task of being able to provide membership cards.

But all was well. We had already talked about launching a site dedicated to the west coast lifestyle. Westcoaster doesn’t mean “Western Roller Coasters.” It means that we’re all Westcoasters… like everyone east of the Mississippi like to call themselves Eastcoasters, or socially-challenged.

Soon after the idea sprang up, we had a site. It wasn’t much at first, mainly a homepage for our messageboards. But the evolution of Westcoaster had begun…

Westcoaster 2.0
circa Aug. 2000

Since Wayback didn’t archive version 1.0, I’ll spare you the ugly details. 2.0 was a vast improvement upon Westcoaster 1.0, although a vast improvement on crap is just a better version of crap.

The header image was a file I ripped from a friend, pasted text on, and called my own. Don’t worry, I never stole other images at that time. This guy owed me money, so I figured I’d take it out of his graphic design abilities. A real testament to my web design skills back then is the broken image to the left of the content. That’s what we called ‘navigation.’ It was one huge image map that had tons of problems whenever we’d accidentally delete the file, or someone was using a browser that cut images.

The problems lingered with Westcoaster 2.0, so we began to work on a newer version of the site.

Programs Used: Microsoft Frontpage, Hotmetal Pro, and Paint Shop Pro..
Credits: James Disney, Layout | Andrew Traweek, Graphics
Site Resolution: 800×600

Westcoaster 2.1
circa Oct. 2000

Remember what I said about vastly improved crap being just a slightly better version of crap? Here is living, breathing, stinky proof. Westcoaster 2.1. This is the site that inspired our motto: “All New Layout, No New Content!”

But hey, at least you can navigate to such craptastic content like, Westcoaster Imagineering, Visions, and the always trusty messageboards.

Up until now, I had been using a web designing program called Hotmetal Pro. It cost $30, and couldn’t do the crap I wanted to do. I had yet to find the wonders of Photoshop, so instead used Paint Shop Pro. In fact, I think I remember having to use a web-based upload for all of the site files. It took literally decades to upload everything. What a pain in my big, hairy ass.

Wow, look how sparse it is. Isn’t that amazing? But it’s gray and not blue, so be happy.

Programs Used: Microsoft Frontpage, Hotmetal Pro, Paint Shop Pro.
Credits: James Disney, Layout | Andrew Traweek, Graphics
Site Resolution: 800×600

Westcoaster 4
circa Sept. 2001

We lost 3.0. She was short, sort of greenish blue, and answers to the name of “Recycled Crap.” If you see her, please contact the administrator.

Westcoaster 4 was an advancement nary seen since man set foot on the moon. As a web developer now, I stopped using Frontpage and Hotmetal Pro, and started to use a nifty new do-it-all program called Dreamweaver. I had also picked up Photoshop and started learning the basics. The logo is all me. Well, everything except the coaster track. I think I may have actually ripped that from an ACN pic, but I’d just got done making a new logo for Jeff, so I didn’t think he’d care. But in case he did, I edited the crap out of it so he’d never know it was a turnaround on Batman: The Ride, and that it was his image. Well, technically Chris Higgins’ image. Also technically not mine. Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

Now we had a metric buttload of new content. Andrew’s Junk had premiered on Westcoaster 3 with the Dysfunctional Park series of articles that chronicled my escapades while working at Santa’s Village as a teenager. Nash’s Glovebox was supposed to be another huge hit, and a harbinger of things to come. Nash covered non-coaster attractions around the country. Whatever fit his fancy, he would write about it. It fizzled after three or four episodes, and we had yet another dead duck on the site. Lucas’ Northern Exposure also started during the reign of Westcoaster 4, and has pretty much gone the same way as Nash. Rocky’s Roads? Yup, it fizzled and died too.

We had also recently acquired Bear-yTales, and proceeded to rape and pillage it until we grew tired of it’s screams for help. But hey, we technically had a park guide there for a while, so I don’t know what all you guys are complaining about. We had guides and you didn’t love them properly. When not loved properly, guides run away and join the circus. It’s just a fact of life.

Programs Used: Dreamweaver 3.0 and Adobe Photoshop 4.
Credits: James Disney and Ian Maki, Database PHP and Update Engine | Andrew Traweek, Layout, Graphics.
Site Resolution: 1024×768

Westcoaster 5
circa May. 2002

Has it been that long? Holy crap. It really was time for a new layout, wasn’t it?

Anyway, same old crap, new depressing blue layout. What was with me and the blue? Damn. I went almost three years stuck on blues in my layouts. I must have been going through a pseudo-depressive artistic state.

With Westcoaster 5, we took time away from finding the right layout and focused on offering the best updates on the internets. Yes, I said internets. You have to say it that way now if you want to be hip. So we plodded along. Jim focused on writing updates, Dan took the pictures, and I got drunk. That’s about it. By this time the site had become secondary to the ever expanding forums, and we started to slack off. But you’ll get no apologies out of me. You all probably deserved it.

Westcoaster 5 also saw the emergence of Jim’s Photoshopped updates. I have to apologize for that, people. I turned him onto Photoshop by teaching him how to cut elements out of a picture. Big mistake? Maybe. But he squashed my update Photoshops because they made his look bad. What a tyrant. So you never got to see my masterpieces; Kid With Downs Crashes Mom’s Truck Into Tower of Terror, Michael Jackson Baby Dangling from Tower of Terror, and our group shot at the midget wall at Knott’s with Wee-man.

Oh well. Around the end of 2003, I grew increasingly tired of the site. I felt we’d slacked off too much in the area of new content, and needed something to motivate us. Truth be told, I was also considering resigning from the site. Part of it just wasn’t fun anymore. But always loyal to my friends, I wanted to build one last site that would last them forever. This one would be easy enough to run that any of the moderators could contribute, or a monkey could take over should the three co-founders walk away or die in an exploding toaster incident.

Programs Used: Dreamweaver 4.0, Photoshop 5.0 and 6.0.
Credits: James Disney and Ian Maki, Backend | Andrew Traweek, Layout Design and Graphics
Site Resolution: 1024×768

Westcoaster 6
circa Feb. 2005

The first new layout in three years, and the first site overhaul since it began. Westcoaster 6 was roughly a year-and-a-half in the making, and was pretty close to it’s finished state when it was presented to Jim. He went flippin’ apenuts and started flinging poo and an unidentifiable white liquid around the admin boards… and I think he tried to make out with me. But I advised him that his girlfriend wouldn’t take to kindly to hot steamy man love, so he backed off. Thank God.

This incarnation of the site required a massive amount of natural resources to pull off. The code itself required the wholesale clear-cutting of thousands of acres of virgin rainforest. The shiny parts of the site required 2.5 cubic tons of liquefied Manatee ass. The images were all taken and processed by the truckload by underage Indian and Pakistani orphans. Time was so tight, we couldn’t even let them eat or do other unimportant stuff like learn, or poop even. Backend database design required the burning of the kelp beds located off the coast of California. Oh, and AIDS… that was our bad. We needed it to power the phrase generator in the head data.

All-new, all-powerful, Westcoaster 6 is going to last generations. We’ve pushed the limits of web design to it’s peak. If we designed one more piece of code, the world would blow up. This is the end, folks. This is five years of blood, sweat, tequila and tears. We’ve lost buddies, we’ve gained enemies. Jim lost his virginity, and Dan gave his life to the Cloth. Rocky disappeared into the Arizona desert to become a goat herder, and Mike is a Cuban gun-runner for the Puerto Rican army. But what we’ve lost in friends we’ve gained in notoriety and huge orgies with beautiful women. Yes, very beautiful women…

Programs Used: Dreamweaver MX, Adobe Photoshop 7.0.
Credits: James Disney and Ian Maki, Backend | Andrew Traweek, Layout Design, Page Generation, Graphics, Content Development.
Site Resolution: 1024×768

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