The Destruction of Grizzly
A bright glare bounces off of Drop Zone and shines on the freshly greased anti-rollback on Grizzly’s first hill. The trains are completing their circuit (barely), with the occasional need of a push on the first turnaround. The wind blows lightly through the southern yellow pine of Grizzly’s support structure. Well… we know it’s pine. We’re not sure if it’s yellow pine or if it just turned yellow because so many enthusiasts have defecated it with urine in mid-ride jaunts on the Barney Oldfield Raceway. Demon cycles through its butter smooth corkscrews, contrasting to the vertebrae-shattering-needlessly-banked-designed-by-a-crackhead-course of The Grizzly. The scene is set for what will be the first of many attempts to destroy that bastard of a roller coaster.
How Christmas Saved America
How Santa Stole the War - A Retrospective on the End of the American Revolution
In the waning years of the American fight for independence from its totally over-protective mother (England), the fighting was fierce. The battles were bloody, and the drug trade from Colombia was really starting to take a financial hit.
Many scholars believe the end of the war can be attributed to the steely resolve of the colonials, with some really lame help from the French Navy. You can never count on those guys to make it to a party on time.
The Confluence of Christianity and Santa Claus
Christmas in Retrospect - One in a Series of Whatever
Over the past year, I’ve realized that I’ve shirked my intellectual responsibilities in being an internet writer. You’re probably saying to yourself, “No, Andrew! We love you! You’re the funniest guy on the face of the planet! We want your hot bod!”
No. You’re wrong. I have been neglecting the very youth that have made our site what it is: a smoldering cesspool of a site that has little-to-no educational value. Or punctuation for that matter.
So I’ve decided to chase after my life-long dream of becoming an educational figure on this pile of mind-sucking donkey mung we call the “World Wide Web.”
Autobiography: The Sequel
So where did we leave off last? Oh yes, Halloween. That was a crappy article, wasn’t it? But seeing as I was up for some Coaster Editorial Award, I had to release something to keep me fresh in people’s minds. It’s the same thing Hollywood does when they re-release a film shortly before the Academy Awards.
So lately I’ve been on this kick recalling silly portions of my life. A lot of stupid stuff happened to me as a child, as we’ve already covered in previous articles. In a way, this series started at the very beginning of Andrew’s Junk, with the Dysfunctional Park series. Now, while I was working at Santa’s Village, I was still in High School. So it goes to reason that the insanity did not restrain itself within park borders.
My Life As A Halloweener - Part 2
The Madness Continues…
About this time, Star Trek: The Next Generation was a huge hit. So I asked my mom to make me the coolest uniform ever, and she did. I wore it for a few, and decided that it wasn’t ghoulish enough. And it was tight. I needed to draw the attention away from my junk flopping around downstairs. So, I took to the thing with some scissors and a lighter. The idea was to create a small burn hole in the chest where I got hit by a phaser gun. Well, someone forgot to tell me that neoprene is highly flammable. That sucker went up like a roman candle when I tried to singe the edges.
Now half of my uniform was up in smoke. The hole was big enough to expose both of my nipples, which was a lot worse than letting people see my junk flopping around under the tight neoprene pants. My mom was livid. She spent all that time on a costume that I lit on fire. I still don’t see what the problem was.