Autobiography: The Sequel
So where did we leave off last? Oh yes, Halloween. That was a crappy article, wasn’t it? But seeing as I was up for some Coaster Editorial Award, I had to release something to keep me fresh in people’s minds. It’s the same thing Hollywood does when they re-release a film shortly before the Academy Awards.
So lately I’ve been on this kick recalling silly portions of my life. A lot of stupid stuff happened to me as a child, as we’ve already covered in previous articles. In a way, this series started at the very beginning of Andrew’s Junk, with the Dysfunctional Park series. Now, while I was working at Santa’s Village, I was still in High School. So it goes to reason that the insanity did not restrain itself within park borders.
My Life As A Halloweener - Part 2
The Madness Continues…
About this time, Star Trek: The Next Generation was a huge hit. So I asked my mom to make me the coolest uniform ever, and she did. I wore it for a few, and decided that it wasn’t ghoulish enough. And it was tight. I needed to draw the attention away from my junk flopping around downstairs. So, I took to the thing with some scissors and a lighter. The idea was to create a small burn hole in the chest where I got hit by a phaser gun. Well, someone forgot to tell me that neoprene is highly flammable. That sucker went up like a roman candle when I tried to singe the edges.
Now half of my uniform was up in smoke. The hole was big enough to expose both of my nipples, which was a lot worse than letting people see my junk flopping around under the tight neoprene pants. My mom was livid. She spent all that time on a costume that I lit on fire. I still don’t see what the problem was.
My Life As A Halloweener - Part 1
The Madness Begins…
Hi-dee-ho, readerinos! Since my autobiography seemed to be a mediocre hit at best, I’ve decided to force some more down your crummy little throats! But my last venture had some stuff in it that I didn’t particularly like. Seriousness. Downright depressing crap that would make me cry if I were a pansy.
So, in honor of the greatest month in history, I’m going to take you on a journey through my many, many Halloweens spent on this wonderful world. I must warn you, some of this stuff is extremely graphic. So if you object to anything remotely fun, I suggest you get a sense of humor and read on!
Autobiography of DOOM! - Chapters 4 & 5
Chapter 4: Same Thing, Different Setting
High School. Some of the greatest years of my life. Here I perfected the art of slacking, hitting on women, and circumventing almost certain expulsion. Among my many expulsion papers were such classics as: Willful Destruction of School Property, Violation of the Daylight Rule (no foreplay at school, evidently), Distribution of Inappropriate Material, Smoking, Drinking, etc. I’m sure if they knew about it, they’d also give me a lashing for contributing to the CAD teacher’s heart failure.
Willful Destruction: I threw a piece of gum on the ceiling. Big deal. I also used to play Bingo with the Periodic Chart much in the same fashion during Science class. The teacher couldn’t prove he had a clear line-of-sight on me, so I got out of that one with Saturday School, which I never attended.
Autobiography of DOOM! - Chapters 2 & 3
Chapter Two: The Age of Self-Loathing
Ahh, yes. Good old family genes have that way of playing cruel jokes on you. I was the buck-toothed whiz-kid that took flack from the other kids. I was called everything from “Can Opener” to “Homo Smart Kid.” And that was just from my siblings.
Every day was a struggle for survival. People wanted to kick my ass simply for being smart. For excelling at knowledge and expanding my mind. I was determined to use my knowledge to gain the upper hand, but it never worked. That kind of stuff only works in cheesy Disney movies.