My Life As A Halloweener - Part 1
The Madness Begins…
Hi-dee-ho, readerinos! Since my autobiography seemed to be a mediocre hit at best, I’ve decided to force some more down your crummy little throats! But my last venture had some stuff in it that I didn’t particularly like. Seriousness. Downright depressing crap that would make me cry if I were a pansy.
So, in honor of the greatest month in history, I’m going to take you on a journey through my many, many Halloweens spent on this wonderful world. I must warn you, some of this stuff is extremely graphic. So if you object to anything remotely fun, I suggest you get a sense of humor and read on!
Autobiography of DOOM! - Chapters 4 & 5
Chapter 4: Same Thing, Different Setting
High School. Some of the greatest years of my life. Here I perfected the art of slacking, hitting on women, and circumventing almost certain expulsion. Among my many expulsion papers were such classics as: Willful Destruction of School Property, Violation of the Daylight Rule (no foreplay at school, evidently), Distribution of Inappropriate Material, Smoking, Drinking, etc. I’m sure if they knew about it, they’d also give me a lashing for contributing to the CAD teacher’s heart failure.
Willful Destruction: I threw a piece of gum on the ceiling. Big deal. I also used to play Bingo with the Periodic Chart much in the same fashion during Science class. The teacher couldn’t prove he had a clear line-of-sight on me, so I got out of that one with Saturday School, which I never attended.
Autobiography of DOOM! - Chapters 2 & 3
Chapter Two: The Age of Self-Loathing
Ahh, yes. Good old family genes have that way of playing cruel jokes on you. I was the buck-toothed whiz-kid that took flack from the other kids. I was called everything from “Can Opener” to “Homo Smart Kid.” And that was just from my siblings.
Every day was a struggle for survival. People wanted to kick my ass simply for being smart. For excelling at knowledge and expanding my mind. I was determined to use my knowledge to gain the upper hand, but it never worked. That kind of stuff only works in cheesy Disney movies.
Autobiography of DOOM! - Chapter 1
People often wonder what I was like as a kid. Hell, half the time, even I ponder that question. I look back on my life, and see myself as being three distinctly separate people, that share a common streak of varying levels of dementia.
So, to answer that very question (and hopefully find out what my purpose in life is) I will take a trip down memory lane, and hope I don’t break down somewhere along the way. Plus that, I plan on dying before I reach 25, so I need to tell my story so that it may be handed down for all time.
PLK: The Human Pop Tart
By now you’ve all heard my non-sensical ramblings about the day I was actually hurt by a theme park. Up until that day, I vehemently defended theme parks, and their safe environments. Of course, I still do that, but I pick my parks a bit more carefully now.
The day in question is still a bit cloudy as you can imagine. I can’t even remember what day it was, and I’m too lazy to dig out my bill from the emergency room to find out. It was toward the end of summer, and shortly before the tragic events of 9/11.