It's been approximately... oh, a year. It's only been a year since our last adventure in outer space where the Skywalker family ruin life for basically everyone else. Really, think about it... that single family are just a bunch of dicks who ruin the entire galaxy for everyone else. Repeat after me: The Skywalkers are the worst. They're the space version of the family that fights all the time and makes a buttload of noise but nobody wants to stop them because it's actually kinda entertaining (until someone's home planet gets blown up, of course).
Enter Rogue One: A Star Wars Story... a movie about how we get to a place where we might blow up someone's home planet and the plans to try and stop that from happening. I mean, unless the planet deserves to be blown up. Like what if this is South Park rules and this was a planet full of Hitlers? Surely you'd blow that one up and not the planet full of nothing but kittens (unless you're my dog, then you blow up both).
What is this movie really about? Hell if I know. All I know is Felicity Jones is in it... they could have said "Felicity Jones is now Jar Jar Binks' love interest" and I'd be all in. What I'm trying to say is if she made a movie where she threw kittens into a wood chipper, I'd probably watch it. (Honesty is the best policy, right?).
What I gather from all the other reviews... apparently the movie goes like this:
Jyn's dad: "Jyn, I'mma peace out for a few cuz my friends are like 'BRUH, don't be a bitch'... okay?"
Jyn: "Okay, daddy."
Jyn: "I'mma rebel now"
PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW!!!
Jyn: "HAHAHAHA SUCK IT, NOOBS!"
Darth Vader: *heavy breathing*
Jyn: "Eww, UR A CREEP"
Darth Vader then force chokes some rando...
Some robot says funny things because that's what robots do...
PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW KABOOM PEW PEW PEW
A bunch of minions come out of f**king nowhere and start twerking to "Really Doe" by Danny Brown and Kendrick Lamar
It's a really heartfelt story about abandonment issues and funny robots. I think, I dunno. What do I look like? A scientist? The weirdest part about the movie is the post credits scene featuring Thanos looking for Infinity Stones and he and Vader sit down and have tea together and compliment each other's universe take-over attempts. They fist bump and the movie ends with "Thanos will appear in Avengers: Infinity War..." these corporate tie-ins are getting ridiculous.
I'd like to thank the couple blogs that I saw who clearly didn't see the movie but cherry picked commentary from other blogs (like... blatantly reprinted with only minor changes in wording) as their own.
Joking aside... I have seen the film, and it's gonna melt faces. I've seen some saying "best Star Wars since Empire Strikes Back"... and I don't disagree with this. But it's not better than. It's just really good. So go forth, preview screenings start Thursday December 15th, wide release on Friday the 16th (which you knew unless you very honestly live under a rock in the middle of Kentucky). Here's the actual trailer that you've all already seen... are you excited? Comment below.
Twerking Ice Cream Cone. Velociraptor. 5 Time Squirrel Herding Champion. Super Hero.